To put things mildly, on-campus restaurant options these past few years have become quite the drag. The same handful of chains linger in place, shelling out the same food they served yesterday and the day before. Somehow, the majority of our student body has managed without complaint, but I can’t remain silent any longer.

I have eaten at Panda Express in the Student Union for 156 consecutive meals, ordering the same undercooked chow mein and Beijing beef day in and day out. Before that record streak, I somehow tolerated a daily visit to the campus McDonald’s and spent nearly every expendable dollar I earned on Einstein Bagels’ Farmhouse Sandwiches with two eggs instead of one. 

The bland revulsion inherent to my predicament has taken its toll — there are virtually no options left. Everywhere I look on campus, I see a restaurant I’ve eaten at so many times that it makes me sick. Things have gotten so bad that I’ve even let my pristine, liberal moral superiority begin to flag. Giving in to my base instincts, I now indulge in Chick-fil-A’s homophobic chicken nuggets two or three times a week. A few of my friends have attempted to console me, suggesting that I try Zippy’s Burritos for once, but they’re absolute nutcases if they think I’ll waste my money on that slop.

No, something needs to change. Could it be my lazy insistence on getting minimum wage workers to cook my meals for me? Absolutely not. The absurdly long lines stretching around the Student Union every day at lunchtime make it quite clear: clogging our arteries with the sweat, grease and sodium-saturated tears of fast-food employees is the only respectable way to eat between classes.

Thankfully, the university’s brilliant administration stepped up with an answer just in time. In a recent tweet, they announced the long-demanded opening of a new Popeyes location right here on campus. Instead of having to do something ridiculous, like learn the basic life skills needed to cook a meal in my own apartment, I’ll be able to end my streak at Panda Express and start anew with that Louisiana Fast.

Yes! In only a few short months, you and I can abandon eating at the freshmen-clogged Student Union and turn our sights toward the equally freshmen-clogged 5 Dining Hall. Preparations are already underway inside for a restaurant ready to astound and impress.

This one addition will inundate our campus with all-new flavor, side and sauce options in the style of our home state, available to anyone with TigerCASH, Paw Points, cash or a credit card. Access to their finger-lickin’ spicy chicken option and legendary Mardi Gras Mustard will radically lift living standards across our student body. In fact, if the statistics I came up with out of nowhere are to be believed, every single facet of student life will improve with this single change. 

Did your significant other break up with you? Eat away the pain with Popeyes’ new Wild Berry Beignets! Can’t stop crying after you failed a midterm? Try their famous butter-basted biscuits without ordering a drink! The dehydration sets in so fast that your tear ducts will dry up like it’s summer in the Sahara.

Really, my only concern is why we’ve had to wait so long. To the higher ups, please don’t make us suffer in anticipation of its opening in late 2022. Don’t waste your time contending with the recent string of violent crime on campus or performing maintenance on our crumbling infrastructure. Expedite those deep fryer shipments. Pay the construction workers overtime. Give us our Louisiana Fast, well, Louisiana Fast!

Noah McKinney is a 21-year-old history and English senior from Houston, TX.