Editor’s note: The following column is satire.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights…” This section of the Declaration of Independence proves that the founding fathers couldn’t have predicted the existence of adults who still care about Disney.
Disney adults have a growing presence online. All over social media, there are reviews and commentary about children’s movies and television shows being posted by people who should have aged out of kids’ entertainment during the Obama administration.
Anyone who has infected the internet with this sort of content shouldn’t have the liberties afforded to regular citizens. Supporters of Disney adult rights would protest that without a crime being committed, enacting punishment is unjust.
That argument is frankly irrelevant to the conversation because there are plenty of legal actions that justify some sort of punishment. If someone noticed that their roommate was ordering beanie babies, cutting their heads off, smearing them in blood and then lighting them on fire inside of a pentagram while playing the music from the masquerade scene in “Eyes Wide Shut” in the kitchen every night it would be within their rights to do something. Most people would agree that the police should at least monitor the roommate from hell, if not detain him.
Some would say that such actions are a gross violation of human rights. However, that raises the question: when has that stopped the police before? I’d rather see the police focus on getting the manifesto-writing roommate and Disney adults thrown in prison without a trial than putting people in jail for petty drug crimes. Some would call this move a fascist overreach of the government, but it can be thought of as a necessary use of force.
Disney adults shouldn’t be allowed to hold office, vote or even have First Amendment rights. They should have a separate Bill of Rights that features a few prominent alterations. One of which is that instead of a right to a jury trial, they should have a right to a trial by fire or life in prison.
Disney adults also shouldn’t be allowed to have children if not for the fact that they will raise the worst child imaginable for the presumed existence of a pre-coital routine that involves the participants singing the “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse” song and doing all of the dances from the title sequence.
Any adults who attempt to enter a Disney park without a child should be dropped into alligator-infested water through a trap door. The military and national guard should act as an occupying force looking for any perpetrators that evaded the trap door system.
If the number of Disney adults continues to grow the only recourse will be to lure them to a mostly vacant state like Montana with the promise that it’s the location of the Disney vault. Once they arrive the military should invade like it’s Iraq in 2003, shock and awe tactics and all.
In the future, there should be a discussion around doing similar things to the cousins of Disney adults, Marvel nerds. Marvel nerds display some of the same troubling behavior as their more simple-minded counterparts, but they are less likely to be barred from elementary schools and their surrounding areas. This point will likely have to wait, as there are bigger, Mickey Mouse hat-wearing, fish to fry.
The insidious force of Disney adults is growing by the day. Extreme measures are necessary and will only become more so soon. Concerned citizens should write to their representatives about this issue and perhaps even send them this article for legislative suggestions.