Eight GOP presidential candidates gathered in Milwaukee, Wisconsin on Aug. 23 for the first of several debates. 

They spent about two hours presenting their plans for the future of the Republican Party and the country, all the while ripping into each other, President Joe Biden and even former President Donald Trump, who refused to participate.

From literal fascists and Christian conservatives to culture warriors and actual lunatics, these are the GOP candidates, reviewed:

Ron DeSantis has been governor of Florida since 2019 and is a former congressman. As an incumbent governor of a large state, he has a lengthy and recent record to examine. That is part of the problem. On top of his vague threats to “destroy leftism,” he has embarked on a tour of abusing governmental power by disrupting higher education and fighting with Disney, one of the only reasons any sane person would ever go to Florida with him as governor.

Vivek Ramaswamy is a businessman who has become a rising star among both the politically illiterate and the conspiratorial fringe. 

His big campaign platform is called “Truth,” indicating that it is most likely anything but. Among these “true” statements are things like “God is real,” “human flourishing requires fossil fuels,” and “there are three branches of government, not four.” 

These are all rather confusing.

First, which God? Ramswamy is Hindu, but also somehow a Christian nationalist.

Second, “human flourishing”? That seems like a very intellectual and philosophical phrase for the anti-elitist and faux populist Ramaswamy. Also, he talks about oil and coal in the same way a normal person would talk about education, agriculture and the arts. This is the same man who called climate change a “hoax” and the “anti-carbon agenda” the “wet-blanket” on the U.S. economy. Perhaps we shouldn’t listen to him about what’s best for humanity?

Third, what exactly is the supposed “fourth branch?” This is a reference to the bureaucracy. Ramaswamy would like to gut the federal government…because…populism? The implication is that the bureaucracy is the “deep state,” a cesspool of corruption devoted to suppressing conservatives and bolstering liberals. In reality, the bureaucracy is the executive branch. Without it, the private sector would be greatly empowered as the state falters. That would be worse for the “common man,” but maybe that’s what he actually wants.

Anyway, Mike Pence was vice President from 2017 to 2021 and before that the governor of Indiana and a congressman. Pence is the stereotypical, evangelical, conservative politician, complete with a milquetoast personality and nonstop references to his lord and savior—Ronald Reagan, that is. 

On Jan. 6, 2021 Pence stood up to Trump and arguably helped save American democracy. However, it is possible to both thank him for this and oppose his noxious policies and positions.

Nikki Haley served as ambassador to the United Nations during the Trump administration, and before that, she was the governor of South Carolina and a state legislator. As an Indian American and the only woman in the primary, Haley presents the GOP with the opportunity to embrace, or at least tepidly acknowledge, diversity. 

She also has extensive foreign policy experience and demonstrated it during the debate, when she relentlessly attacked Ramswamy’s ignorance and idiocy on the subject.

Chris Christie was governor of New Jersey from 2010 to 2018 and before that a United States attorney. This is his second campaign for president after 2016. Christie is well-known for three things: his excessively (and often offensively) mocked weight, his abrasive personality and his many scandals. 

He has been more than willing to attack his former friend Donald Trump and is perhaps the most transparent person in the race: the Chris Christie you see on stage is the real Chris Christie. The problem is that his real self is kind of a jerk. That’s useful in taking down terrible people like DeSantis, Ramaswamy and Trump, but not a good quality for a President.

Tim Scott has been a senator for South Carolina since 2013 and was a congressman and a state legislator before that. One of the few Black Republicans to hold federal office in recent years, Scott is often held up as some sort of optimistic figure hoping to guide the country toward racial harmony. 

In reality, he is a Christian nationalist who traces his earliest political success to the promotion of the ahistorical role of the Ten Commandments in American political and cultural history. His vision for the country may be presented with a sunny disposition, but it is an exclusionary vision that would leave many in the dark.

Asa Hutchinson was governor of Arkansas from 2015 to 2023 and previously served as the administrator of the Drug Enforcement Administration under George W. Bush. He has a sort of folksy Southern charm and is arguably the most anti-Trump Republican in the race, but he is a lacklaster debater and has some contradictory views on social issues like transgender rights.

Doug Burgum is a businessman who has served as governor of North Dakota since 2016. He is incredibly wealthy and has managed to get this far mostly on his own money, especially since his policies and personality are nothing to write home about. That’s about it.

Those are all the candidates who both qualified and attended the debate. 

There are several others: businessman (and living joke) Perry Johnson, anti-Trump moderate former congressman Will Hurd, megachurch pastor Ryan Binkley and radio personality Larry Elder. 

All of them have an even smaller chance of getting anywhere than Hutchinson and Burgum. 

In the end, each of the candidates has deep flaws, but the most important concern is whether they are worse than a potential second Trump term.

For most of the candidates, the answer is a less-than-enthusiastic yes, but Ramaswamy and especially DeSantis would drive the country further apart and may even be worse than Trump.

While Trump appeals to fascism, DeSantis is an actual ideological fascist. Trump just wants attention; DeSantis wants a country where people like him and ideas like his are dominant to all others.

His politics fly in the face of everything a good political philosophy should be. He should be hoping to solve every person, group and demographic’s problems, but he has a rather small idea of who gets to participate in our democracy. He is not actually running to be president of the United States; he is running to be the president of the Republicans, the conservatives, the white people, the wealthy, the rurals. If elected, he’ll govern like that, too.

Matthew Pellittieri is a 19-year-old history and political science sophomore from Ponchatoula.