Editor’s note: The following column is satire.
Keke Palmer recently starred in Usher’s music video for his song “Boyfriend.” This comes on the heels of the controversy surrounding the two following the release of a video of the singer dancing with Palmer in a revealing dress. Her then-boyfriend Darius Jackson took issue with his girlfriend’s attire and criticized her for it on X (Twitter).
The discourse that followed the public dust-up centered around Jackson’s controlling attitude toward his relationship, and for a controlling ex-partner, the release of that music video must’ve had him kicking and screaming.
Jackson is being ridiculed for being controlling by the progressive side of the internet while also being clowned by the traditional side for losing his woman to another man.
To avoid the fallout from this situation, Jackson should strongly consider going into hiding. The first step is to delete all social media, burn his house down and move to a town so small that the residents don’t have access to the internet.
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Jackson would be wise to find the nearest place with an internet connection and pay for bots to post and spread messages favorable to him. He could also pay conspiracy theorists to speculate that the entire situation was staged — a plot by the government to destroy a budding Black family.
Dr. Umar Johnson would be perfect for the job. “They put this garbage in the media, and y’all eat it up. These people aren’t real; they’re all actors. It’s all a movie. I looked it up; Keke Palmer even has an IMDB page. They’re not even trying to hide it anymore, and you still can’t see,” he’d say.
After Jackson’s efforts to lay low and save his name, he should turn his sights to Usher. His best course of action would be to bring attention to the multiple lawsuits brought against him by women who claimed that he gave them herpes.
He could put up billboards that take the names of Usher’s songs and parody them, like one that takes, “You make me wanna…” and changes it to “You make me wanna… go to a clinic.” He could also change “I Don’t Mind” to “I Do Mind, a lot actually. A $10 million lawsuit’s worth.” The songs “You Got It Bad” and “Burn” can keep their original titles.
Once that’s done, it’ll be time to use the tried and true methods of winning back one’s lost partner. First, he should try playing “Baby Come Back” by Player on a boombox outside her window. After that, he should try texting her incessantly and asking her friends if she’s said anything about him. If that doesn’t work, he should get into another relationship and bring his new partner to places that Palmer frequents to make her jealous. He could go as far as having picnics right in front of her house.
Public breakups are hard, but with the right plan, one can come out better on the other side and possibly compensate their advisor.
Frank Kidd is a 22-year-old mass communication senior from Springfield, Virginia.
