The No.1 ranked Kentucky Wildcats and prolific cheater John Calipari visited the PMAC for a much-hyped matchup against the hometown Tigers on Tuesday evening. Despite the fact that LSU lost by a score of 71-69, the real story here is Kentucky’s expenditures on their trip to the Red Stick. 
After making headlines earlier in the year for spending nearly $900k during a tournament in the Bahamas, Calipari and the Cats one-upped themselves this time around. Funyon sources say that the team from Lexington spent $5 million over the course of 48 hours, purchasing every item in the restaurant Galatoires and single-handedly saving Highland Coffee on the University’s dime.
“I just really wanted a good cup of Joe,” Calipari said. “So I figured, screw it, I’ll just buy the place, charge it to UK’s accounts and deal with it after we win the National Championship this April.”
But, the expenses don’t stop there. Reports from inside sources say that Calipari purchased Price LeBlanc Toyota, so he can finally put an end to those god-awful commercials in an act of charity here in Baton Rouge.
Moreover, after UK’s victory, Calipari and local attorney Spencer Callahan were seen gallivanting around the Red Stick’s most prestigious topless bar wearing 24k Gold backpacks filled with $100k in cash used for seedy lap dances. Callahan refused to comment on the incident.
 Despite the fact that the Wildcats dropped an uncanny amount of scratch on frivolous things, they are still pegged to go 40-0 and end up with yet another No. 1 overall recruiting class in 2015.