“Zoom, Zoom, Zoom Make my heart go; Boom, Boom; My Supernova Girl!”
These are the lyrics an interstellar superstar sung to his sweetheart Zenon in a Disney movie about the future. They are also the words I would serenade someone with as I rolled up on my hoverboard.
Hoverboards, also known as self-balancing scooters, are no longer pure fiction, as LSU student-athletes could tell you. LSU sophomore defensive back Ed Paris was featured on LSU Football’s Twitter account wheeling into fall camp. Senior basketball guard Keith Hornsby hovers around the Student Union, and members of the LSU volleyball team are always spotted zooming in front of the PMAC.
As they are all in good physical shape, the fear of a high-ankle sprain must keep them from walking between classes.
Student-athletes are not the only ones who no longer find walking appealing. Average Joe and Jane are meanwhile hurtling in front of the library without abandon — that is until they come in front of the dreaded stairs.
Then they must heave themselves off the hoverboard and carry it and their entire body mass down the stairs. Once this daunting task is completed, on bended knee must they place the board down on the pavement. Next, proper balance and equilibrium needs to be achieved on top of the hoverboard. Finally, with one’s phone in hand, #CasualZoomingAroundCampus can resume.
Hoverboarding is another example of America’s consumer complex creating products no one actually needs.
Longboard bros are annoying enough, but at least boarding has a history and culture surrounding it. The cost of owning a longboard is around $80-$100, and this is a moderate cost of entry.Conversely, self-balancing scooters cost anywhere from $350 into the thousands. That’s more than some affordably priced laptops, and for what? So you can get places in half the time of walkers, exert less energy doing so while looking slightly cooler than other people.
Ah, there’s the appeal. It makes the mundane more palatable to the perpetually bored. Advancements in locomotion are always slow to catch on, and in 10 years, this column may be what Curtis Hedges cites to his shareholders as his company goes public and rakes in money.
Hedges is the person credited as the inventor of the self-balancing scooter in America, but like most American traaditions, it’s a lie built off foreign work.
The hoverboard hails from “a company called Chic Robotics” and is originally known as the Smart S1. This was the prototype, and Chinese manufacturing “is so centralized, anything new spreads like crazy through the supply chain.” By the time hoverboards make it to American shores, they contain “weaker motors, not as reliable batteries, gyro boards, improper motherboard design.”
Celebrity culture realized the power in pimping these boards. Kendall Jenner featured a sponsored PhunkeeDuck hoverboard on her Instagram account, and the company saw its products fly off the shelves. Wiz Khalifa was arrested on top of one, and the video went viral this summer. Soulja Boy now sells The Soulja Board for $1,500 on the website souljaboard.com.
Riding one of these contraptions puts one on the same status as celebrities and LSU sports stars. Owning a hoverboard is also a waste of money and a general annoyance to those around.
The Wall Street Journal reported “roughly 83 million Americans age 6 and over, or about 28 percent of the population, reported that they did not once participate in any of 104 specific physical activities in the last calendar year.” This is staggering and just one more way Americans avoid any physical activity, which is a shame and disgrace. Get up, get out and walk.
Garrett Hines is a 21-year-old political science senior from Monroe, Louisiana. You can reach him on Twitter @garrettH_TDR.