1. Clean your entire apartment or dorm room. You can’t focus on school while your room is dusty and full of bacteria. When was the last time you vacuumed your floors? Everyone can tell it’s been a while, and you’re living in a pig sty. Wash all your clothes and sheets. Vacuum your floors. Mop. Sweep. Clean your windows and dust your furniture. Clean out your fridge. Just clean literally everything.
2. Pour a glass of Merlot into your cheapest stemware, you trashy college student. No study session is complete without some cheap wine you bought from the gas station across the street from your overpriced apartment. If you’re studying for a STEM class, skip the glass and just funnel the whole bottle down your throat.
3. Stare deeply into the wine while you contemplate your life choices. You had all semester to learn this material, but you decided to waste time going to Tigerland instead. I’m sure your parents will understand why you wasted roughly $5,000.
4. Listen to Adele’s newest hit, “Hello.” Why study when you can feel like a 45-year-old woman remembering her most recent divorce? You might not learn anything, but how can you when your husband just threw away the last 20 years of his life?
5. Lie down on the ground and release a deep, throaty gurgle much like Tina from “Bob’s Burgers”. If at least two of your roommates aren’t distracted, begin vibrating and foaming at the mouth. This therapeutic exercise is essential to relaxing both your mind and muscles. You can’t study with tense muscles.
6. Offer your firstborn child to Mike the Tiger. How do you expect to do well on your finals if you don’t first make the obligatory offering to Mike the Tiger? Trust me, he knows if you didn’t give him your child, and he’s going to ensure your failure. You can always have more children.
7. Avenge your father’s death. Simba couldn’t become king until he avenged his father’s death by killing Scar, and you can’t make an A on that Biology 1001 final until you run away from home, train for about five years and come back to right the wrongs done to your father.
8. Write Congress and express your cynicism for the American political system. Student debt is higher than credit card debt. Families are barely making ends meet. We’ve had more mass shootings than days in 2015, yet nothing gets done. Why would anyone want to study and graduate when the country is in turmoil? Thanks Obama.
9. Open your textbooks and actually study. Stop procrastinating by reading a college newspaper and get to studying. You can’t live off mom and dad forever, and imagine how embarrassing it is to tell family members that you’re a fifth-year senior who still doesn’t know how to study. Put this newspaper down, and open your $400 textbook you’ve been using as a paperweight this whole time.
10. Crawl into your backpack and become a turtle. Face it. You’re not going to pass, and you’re probably going to drop out and work retail your whole life. Take all the books out of your backpack and live the rest of your days in there as a turtle. Or is it tortoise? I never passed bio, I wouldn’t know.
Cody Sibley is a 19-year-old mass communication sophomore from Opelousas, Louisiana. You can reach him on Twitter at @CodySibley.