What happens in Colombia is supposed to stay in Colombia.
 
As we all know, Secret Service agents were recently in Cartagena, Colombia, before President Obama’s arrival at the Summit of the Americas. 
After a long day of work, the agents decided they needed a night out on the town and headed to the strip club for a well-deserved celebration.
Several bottles of vodka later, the agents found themselves back at their hotel room with a small soviet of high-class call girls.
The next morning, an argument erupted between an agent and one of the prostitutes over the price of the noche caliente.
The story got out, and now many of the agents involved are facing resignation, retirement or termination.
I feel bad for these guys. The life of a Secret Service agent doesn’t allow for many social occasions. In many cases, it doesn’t allow for a spouse or family, either.
These individuals work seven days a week for most of the day, and they can always be called in, even when they’re off.
Most of them are also grown men with grown men’s needs. Since they are constantly working and traveling, many aren’t married.
Secret Service agents have earned the right to mingle with las hermanas de la calle after a long, hot Colombian afternoon.
This is how I imagine the agents in question spent their evening:
They are in sexy Colombia, night has fallen, the President hasn’t arrived yet. They have the night off.
One of them suggests the strip club, and his suggestion is confirmed by an orchestra of grunts.
At the strip club, they are approached by a number of prostitutes. Prostitution is legal in Colombia, and I can’t imagine it’s difficult for them to figure out who the rich Americans are.
Drinking heavily as they were reportedly doing, the agents stumble back to the hotel room with their newly acquired escorts for the evening, and the inevitable ensues.
The next morning, it’s fair to assume one of the agents, in a drunken attempt to communicate with a Spanish-speaking prostitute, likely thought the prostitute was not a prostitute and mistook her for a fellow female patron who was genuinely interested in him.
This would explain why the fight broke out the morning after. The agent tried to give the prostitute $30, which in his defense is a very generous cab fare.
It’s also the amount a male would give to a female suitor to ensure she got home safe after a night of regrettable decisions with a south-of-the-border prophylactic.
If he knew she was a prostitute, he probably would have found an ATM the night before and gotten that money. When a gorgeous Colombian woman comes up to most intoxicated men and puts affordable sex on the table, he will find that ATM.
Let’s also keep in mind these agents weren’t breaking any laws.
The Secret Service has long been an agency which prides itself on discretion. John F. Kennedy’s security attache helped him sneak around to cheat on his wife. They also snuck women in and out of the White House.
Over the years, agents have managed to keep even the most foul and perverted political secrets safe from the public – save Bill Clinton.
Is it so much to ask for the White House to return the favor? 
Parker Cramer is a 21-year-old political science junior from Houston. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_pcramer.
 
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Contact Parker Cramer at [email protected]