Ah, concerts. I absolutely adore concerts, shows, house parties, gigs, festivals — you name it, I’m there.
Live music makes my soul burst into fits of joy much like Honey Boo Boo’s Mountain Dew-induced seizures. Like any other social event, there is a certain set of standards one should abide by so as not to be a complete monkey scrotum. For whatever reason, decency and common sense seem to go out the window when musicians and the public mingle.
Here’s a list of my concert do’s and don’ts:
Do: Actually like the band you’re going to see. OK, maybe you don’t even have to like them. Maybe you’ve never heard of them. Maybe you think they’re just kind of “meh.” That’s cool, brah.
However, actively and vocally making your disdain for the music known to everyone who has the misfortune of standing around you isn’t a good time for anyone. You’re not having fun, and neither are the fans who have to listen to your gripes.
I don’t care if your boyfriend/girlfriend/persuasive friend dragged you to the show, just grin and bear it for a few hours. Either that, or Negative Nancy should just stay home and practice new ways to suck the fun out of everything. You most likely paid to be there, so the joke is on you.
Don’t: Yell out song suggestions unless it’s specifically asked for by the band. It really boggles my mind as to why people do this. Do they think the band stumbled on stage ass-backward and needs guidance from you, the grand poobah of all things musical? Do they think the band took the stage that night and thought, “Ya know what, guys? Tonight let’s just screw the whole set list thing we’ve been doing for years and take notes from some hopelessly inebriated man-child.”
It’s beyond annoying, and they’re most likely not playing your song. If they do, it had nothing to do with your brilliant method of interjection.
Side note: yelling “Free Bird” most likely stopped being funny before you were born.
Do: Wear deodorant. I cannot stress this enough. This one should go without saying, but judging by the sheer number of smelly kids I’ve encountered at shows, apparently some people are oblivious to the fact that their shit (in this case, sweat) indeed does stink.
Concerts are typically compact, and things between you and a hoard of strangers are about to get sweaty. Not in a sexy way. Having your face meet someone’s back with the unwelcomed surprise of perspiration is deeply horrifying. The ick stays with you for days, even after intensive showers.
Standing next to the fetid mosh pit enthusiast is equal parts nauseating and distracting. I’m not saying don’t dance like a fool or avoid the pit, but for everyone’s sake, put on some Speed Stick.
Don’t: Pretend you’re too cool to enjoy the music. Some people just sit there. They don’t dance, cheer, clap, move or maybe even breathe. They just stand, staring blankly ahead as if they’re being forced to listen to an accounting seminar.
Look, I’m sympathetic to introverts. Not everyone wants to make a spectacle of themselves. I’m talking more about the people who still live in a high school bubble and are still concerned with superficial matters like cool points and popularity.
Don’t give me judge-y eyes when I make spastic attempts to get down or slip out the occasional “Woo!” You’re the awkward one here, not me. I would also venture to say from a band’s view it must be kind of defeating to look out to a completely stoic audience. So next time you’re at a show, you’ll be just fine if you bob your head to the music. I promise.
