(UWIRE) — I have a plan for fixing the economy that involves Michael Jordan, so Michael, please contact me at your earliest convenience.The idea struck me a few weeks ago when I had dinner at a Chicago restaurant Jordan owns. I’d been stewing about a tiny piece of steak that cost approximately as much as the gross national product of Honduras when in he walked — my childhood sports hero, the greatest athlete of the 20th century, the man who inspired thousands of balding white guys to shave their heads.After a few minutes I worked up the courage to introduce myself and shake his hand. I wanted to pretend I was completely unaffected by the situation, as if I met immortal beings all the time. “Ohmygodohmygodohmygod,” I said, completely naturally. I’m not sure what happened after that because my therapist and I haven’t been able to draw out the memory.Before Jordan showed up, I balked at the restaurant’s prices; after, I was so euphoric I would’ve paid $4,000 for a grilled cheese sandwich. So his appearance at his eatery that night was great for the economy, or at least the portion of the economy he personally owns.Which brings me back to the original point of this column, namely: I wanted everyone to know I met Michael Jordan. Also, that my run-in with Jordan inspired a plan for fixing the economy — having celebrities show up at regular businesses to get average citizens to spend more. Americans want to hang out with famous people no matter how unremarkable they are, as evidenced by Kevin Federline’s fan club.But with fame comes money, so celebrities can afford to hang out at places normal citizens can’t. This is why when you go to Burger King you never see, for example, the pope.This has got to change. Imagine hordes of Catholics filing in, ordering fish sandwiches, their children wearing little cardboard miters. Think what that would do for the company’s employees and investors. McDonald’s would have to get the Dalai Lama just to keep up.Another major religious figure has already proved this would work: Barack Obama. Obama ate at restaurants from coast to coast last year, and the subsequent attention spiked their profits. People want to get close to anything the president does. Obama’s barber has seen more business, profits at his favorite Chicago coffee shop have skyrocketed and his former Senate seat is so popular, candidates had to be assigned numbers by the U.S. District Attorney.So the phenomenon is real. Once people flock to celebrity-saturated businesses, first the owners will profit, and then we’ll all share in the wealth. This is according to the theory of “Trickle-Down Economics,” which states that as the rich get richer they’ll create jobs, mostly in the hoarding industry.The only trick is getting celebrities to participate. They’ll probably be hesitant, because their major form of interaction with the public is reading fan mail in which true fans express themselves via typos, worn undergarments and death threats. (Celebrities know they’ve made it big when they start getting panties on which someone has written, “I’m gonna kill yourselph.”)But there are ways to drive them out into the public, such as threatening to remove Scientology’s tax-exempt status. So it’s only a matter of time until my plan fixes the economy. I bet it’ll make me famous, too. Thank God. I’m never going to a pedestrian business again.- – – -Contact The Daily Reveille’s opinion staff at [email protected]