On May 1, Congressman Joe Barton, R-Texas., spearheaded a congressional hearing to assess the validity of college football’s Bowl Championship Series. Barton’s solution for the “socialistic” system, oddly enough, involves passing legislation that would prevent the BCS victor from being legitimately recognized as national champions.Most college fans acknowledge that a playoff system would work far better than the BCS. But thanks to historical precedent, we can reasonably assume what sort of change would inevitably occur if the government decided to intervene.First off, postseason competition would be completely eliminated. Rather than creating a playoff system to determine a national champion, the government would simply appoint a champion — say, USC — based entirely on protecting special interest. Of course, if a certain disfavored team seemed to enjoy “too much” success by the government’s standards, regulators would assemble and subsidize a team of NFL superstars to defeat them, thus eliminating the team from postseason contention.Another notable difference would take place in the way games are officiated. Since the current officiating system involves a certain level of human error, hundreds of government-appointed referees would be assigned to oversee each game. Many of these officials, however, would not be required to have any sporting expertise or prior experience. To compensate for the new officials’ intellectual inadequacy, the central NCAA regulators would simply print off thousands of pages of new rules each season to keep spectators in the dark.Of course, since human bias would become increasingly problematic under this revised system, fans would be given the option to elect new officials every season, thus creating the illusion of fairness and free choice. Fans would not, however, be allowed to reduce the number of officials nor the scope of their power in any fashion.Another effect would be that minority scholarships would be awarded to underprivileged Caucasian athletes through affirmative action legislation. Such delegation, however, would discourage elite athletes from playing football.Ticket sales would also be controlled by the government. No private entity would be allowed to sell tickets. Instead, tickets would be made a public good equally accessible to everybody through higher taxes. However, only the richest and politically connected fans would be able to attain tickets under this auction system, thus eliminating the promised equality.As a result, “spread-the-wealth” schemes would eventually cause all fans to suffer. The poorer fans that previously sat in the upper deck would be thrown out of the stadium, and good seats would be reserved for government employees and their protected corporate cohorts.In an effort to enhance the game’s atmosphere, student sections, much like the stock market, would be overcrowded with drunken idiots. Eventually the bleachers would collapse once the section’s massive seating inflation became too heavy to maintain. After the fact, the government will insist the disaster was the fault of the “greedy” entreprenuers who built the bleachers and resolve to build an improved section out of toothpicks and duct tape.Also, if the score of a game were ever to get out of hand and fans started to leave early, the central scorekeeping regulator could artificially stimulate the losing teams score by creating points out of thin air, promising that he would remove the inflated score once order was restored.To protect the environment, hybrid ambulances would be sent out in the case of a serious player injury. Unfortunately, because the government can’t find anyone willing to drive the vehicle, the injured athlete would probably never receive necessary medical attention. Hours later, Universal Health Care Agents, unable to afford top rate medical supplies, would be sent to amputate the injured body part. An exorbitant fee would, of course, be charged for the government’s substandard service.Under the new system, Division-II teams who refuse to operate under the government’s standards would be considered “hostile” and require preemptive action to ensure the “integrity of the game” be maintained.Finally, as a sort of Social Security system, every fan would be asked to pay an extra $10 at the gate under the pretense that when they “retire” from their seats, their money would be returned. Unfortunately, the government would use the collected funds to finance their lagging concession stand industry. Eventually the elaborate ponzi scheme will become obvious, but only the fans who stayed until the end of the game would be harmed by it.So what do you get if the federal government controls college football? Basically, you get the most ineffective and unsustainable system humanly imaginable for the highest possible cost. It doesn’t really matter whether Red State University or Blue State University “win,” because in the end everyone realizes that the entire system is inherently corrupt.So basically, you get your ordinary government-run entity.Scott Burns is a political science and business sophomore from Baton Rouge.—-Contact Scott Burns at [email protected]