Setting priorities has always been an integral part of college life.
 
So what can we learn about our University’s priorities in light of the latest round of budget cuts?
 
First: Students don’t come first. Second: The University is putting the pussy on a pedestal.
 
That pussy’s name? Mike the Tiger.
 
Not sold? Let’s take a tour of Mike the Tiger’s state-of-the-art crib.
 
Think a high-rise penthouse is a bit much for a wild animal? Think again. Mike’s bachelor pad comes fully customized with a freshwater lake, a 60-foot tall Italianate tower, woven stainless steel mesh and 15,000 square feet of aristocratic luxury.
 
And while Mike is living the high life in his multi-million dollar penthouse and being escorted to football games in a caravan full of cheerleaders, the University is planning to reopen its most degrading slumlord housing project — Kirby-Smith Hall — in 2011.
 
Visit Kirby-Smith today and you can still see the same mold-infested walls and semen residue clogging the third-story sinks our ancestors contributed to generations ago.
 
It’s sad enough the University can’t treat its students as well as their glorified pussycat.
 
But there’s yet another problem regarding Mike that often goes unaddressed.
 
A few years ago, the University changed its logo to the infamous “Toonces” design. The redesigned logo was a clear effort on behalf of the Athletic Department to establish the nation’s first flamboyantly homoerotic mascot.
So what has Mike done to transition into his newly assigned sexual preference?
 
Besides incessantly licking his balls and dry humping a rubber ball six times a day — activities every man openly engages in — he’s shown virtually no desire to display overt homoerotic tendencies.
 
The only way to get Mike out of the closet is to get Mike out of the cage and release him to the student body as a “public good.”
 
Fraternities would also benefit from making Mike’s services a public good. Rather than fondling one another and cramming items into their “brother’s” o-rings, they could force their pledges to dress up as female tigers and engage in some hardcore backdoor bestiality with big Mike.
 
This ritual would also help solve the rampant virginity plague that infects more than 100 percent of all fraternity members.
 
Of course, a real tiger can’t live on Frosted Flakes alone. Mike needs some hearty man meat. And what better source of nutrition than a little flesh from our own student body?
 
My solution? Human sacrifices.
 
Adding this gnarly ritual to the football pregame would do wonders for exciting fans.
 
Freshmen are fresh meat, after all. So why not kick off the tiger bait menu with a good old fashion freshmen filet? Besides the polo shirt industry and a few emotionally insecure sorority girls at Shady’s, would anyone really miss the entire SAE pledge class? I think not.
 
If the idea of feeding students to a live tiger for profit claws at your conscience, there are other ways to ensure Mike gets fed.
 
For starters, we could let him roam freely around campus. Survival of the fittest is an integral part of biology. Why not make it an integral part of the on-campus learning experience?
 
Watching a live tiger disembowel an innocent student and painfully defecate their internal organs into a purple and gold encrusted kitty litter box might be a nauseating sight for the faint of heart. But nothing could be worse than having to endure watching another LSU offensive series.
 
Hell, let’s just compromise for sacrificing Les Miles and Gary Crowton.
 
They’ve tortured us enough already.
 
Scott Burns is a 21-year-old economics and history senior from Baton Rouge. Follow him on Twitter@ TDR_sburns.
 
 
 
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Contact Scott Burns at [email protected]