Editor’s Note: The following column is satire.
Louisiana is named in honor of former French King Louis XIV. Why is our great state named after a dead king when we have elected a self-declared king in the presidency right now?
After the success of renaming the Gulf of America, next in President Donald Trump’s sights is renaming the state of “Louisiana” to “Trumplandia.”
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This is because, like Trump, our state cannot stop winning. We’re consistently ranked No. 50 in the top 50 states of the U.S., No. 41 in education and we’re also Trump’s favorite dumping grounds for enemies of the state — I mean, illegals.
The etymology of Trumplandia is simple: similar to Louisiana before it, the name is to honor King, I mean, President Trump. The glamorous president is the only one to be found civilly liable for rape and 34 felony “hush-money” cases, of which our glorious leader served zero time in jail, because taking accountability is the least American thing you could do.
However, some “Americans” in this state don’t speak a lick of English; instead, they choose to speak a bastardized French. Trump signed an executive order designating English as the official language of America, so if anyone is found speaking the accursed dialect, we’ll ship them to another place where they don’t speak French — El Salvador.
Furthermore, the removal of French “culture” requires the purification of city names. Baton Rouge will be renamed to “Freedomtown” because nothing says freedom like walking outside and breathing in carcinogens from corporations that consistently receive bigger and bigger tax cuts from the government every year.
This is why winning never stops in Trumplandia. The glorious governor of the state, Jeff Landry, ensures that every Trumplandian has to pay more in taxes than corporations, because there’s nothing more American than the working class bearing the burden of corporate mismanagement.
The most freeing thing you can do is to impose your own will on others; that’s why we will forcibly change the name of New Orleans to New Chicago, because I’m too scared to visit either city. Furthermore, former French-sounding cities will have their names changed as well. Thibodeaux will be renamed to Jackson, and Lafayette will be renamed to Monroe.
The biggest scourge to Trumplandia is regional identity, which is why we are making it illegal to designate someone as “Cajun.” This silly descriptor doesn’t hold any cultural significance, and the most American thing you can do is assimilate into one, homogenous “American” identity.
Some dissenters may call these ideas anti-American in nature, but alas, there’s nothing more American than ethnic cleansing. Andrew Jackson, whose portrait adorns the Oval Office, signed off on the “Indian Removal Act,” or the forcible relocation of native americans from their ancestral lands.
Just like Ole Hickory, Trump continues to ignore the Supreme Court, keeping Kilmer Abrego Garcia in El Salvador. The Trump Administration even asked the President of El Salvador, Nayib Bukele, to build more prisons for homegrown U.S. citizens, and some of these homegrown citizens are so-called “Cajuns.”
In conclusion, America is no place for diversity or regionalism. In fact, it wouldn’t be the United States if the states weren’t united under one cause. This is why Louisiana needs to be renamed to Trumplandia.
Andrew Sarhan is a 19-year-old mass communication freshman from Baton Rouge, La.
