“Still a Virgin? For Help Call 888-743-4335” boasts a billboard on Nicholson, College Drives and Brightside Lane.
At first glance, these billboards may offend you if you’re a parent or a sheltered conservative freshman.
Or you may view it as a godsend if you’ve been suffering from a dry spell.
Either way, these billboards raise questions.
I’m not here to deride the billboards or praise them — I’ll simply explain their origin and see if they will actually help you.
To start off, the billboards were created simply to spur attention toward the “Superbad” rip-off (yes, I’ve seen the movie) “The Virginity Hit” that comes out today.
The movie stars two kids who pretend to be Michael Cera and Jonah Hill, and the film was made on a $2 million budget, according to Deadline.com. It’s no wonder such a cheap promotional campaign would be used.
Let’s now put that aside and focus on what really matters: Though the whole idea is a joke, will these signs help you get laid?
Upon calling the helpline, you hear the voice of Zack — Jonah Hill’s doppelganger. Zack tells you to “press 1 if you’re a virgin,” “press 2 if you’re friends with a virgin and want to help,” “press 3 if you don’t know if you’re a virgin” and so on.
If you called thinking this billboard was a blessing sent from above, you probably pressed 1 — just my guess.
When you press 1, you are asked your gender, if you are single or taken, if you chose to be single or can’t get a girlfriend/boyfriend and then Zack gives some tips rather than merely sending over a call girl.
If you happen to be a girl, Zack tells you the obvious: that you have all the power, and losing your virginity is quite easy — if you lower your standards.
His advice for girls is pretty obvious, but his advice for the guys is rather kinky, depending on what you like.
If you’re a guy, Zack tells you to stop referring to yourself as an avatar and stop talking about wizards. He then imparts pimpin’ wisdom, revealing that as a guy, you should start showering, learn lines from vampire movies and call a girl a spider monkey — then he hangs up on you.
I won’t get into details about the “spider monkey,” but it’s a position also known as the “gut crusher,” according to UrbanDictionary.com.
And I’m not exactly sure if calling a girl a spider monkey would get you anymore than a “WTF,” but I guess if you’re desperate, which is why you called in the first place, it’s worth a try.
Other insight Zack discloses to faithful listeners is if you chose  “single,” you should learn an instrument like guitar or drums. And if you can’t learn those, he says to learn the bass because bassists get all the girls drummers and guitarists don’t want.
I played guitar in a band for two years. I’ve never had girls throw themselves at me, or the drummer. Maybe our music just sucked.
Overall, Zack’s wisdom is partly true, but mostly farfetched.
His advice for girls is pretty accurate. If you’re a girl and you can’t find someone to take home in Tigerland, your life is in a downward spiral and you’re damn near rock bottom.
And for the guys, yes, I do agree that showering and not referring to yourself as an avatar is a start. But for learning quotes from vampire movies, you may be mocked. About the spider monkey, oh hell, just try it.
So overall, the billboards offer at least a little humor on the subject of virginity, though not giving much information on the movie they promote. And they may or may not help you.
So if the “Still a Virgin?” helpline couldn’t offer you any assistance in your quest to lose your virginity, e-mail me. I’ll give you my ex’s number. Or my roommate’s ex.
Chris Grillot is a 19-year-old mass communication and English        sophomore from New Orleans. Follow him on Twitter  @TDR_cgrillot.
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Contact Chris Grillot at [email protected]