Two teams will overtake the city of Baton Rouge this November with their infamous rivalry.       I wish I was talking about football.Instead, I’m referring to “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn.” The final installment will be shot in Louisiana’s capital city toward the end of the fall semester and throughout much of next spring. I can hear the rabid female fans squealing now. Warning: This column will probably provoke a ton of hatemail — and that’s OK. At least you’d be displaying a strong-willed opinion, which is more than can be said for Bella Swan. The announcement this summer has caused widespread speculation about where teen heartthrobs Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner  and Kristen Stewart — better known as the vampire Edward, his werewolf enemy Jacob and their object of desire, Bella — will be filming. You’d practically have to be living in a coffin these past few years not to know the intense hostility — and stupidity — of the fanbases sparked by Stephenie Meyer’s book-turned-film franchise. As it is in the storyline, common sense and self-preservation seem to fall by the wayside whenever “Twilight” fandom is involved. Women of all ages devour the novels and flock to the movies in droves, just to fantasize about a sparkly, though sociopathic, vampire and a usually-shirtless werewolf. Fans debate the pros and cons of dating vampires versus those of werewolves, while traditional literature enthusiasts argue with “Twilight” readers that vampires spontaneously combust, rather than shimmer, in sunlight. All parties concerned forget one thing: vampires and werewolves don’t exist. And if they did, neither would make a good companion for a human. So before Baton Rouge erupts in “Twilight” mania, it is time to propose a truce between Teams Edward and Jacob, the “Twi-hards” (reminiscent of toddler-speak when read aloud) and the “Twi-haters.” What better way to relax tensions and promote peace than by gathering at a movie theater to see a great comedy with a meaningful message for the whole family, equipped with a profound title? ”Vampires Suck.” Let me be clear: This “Twilight Saga” parody is not a good movie in the conventional sense. It is 82 minutes of pathetic dialogue and unconvincing performances centered around graphic, plotless action. This over-the-top quality is what makes it so true to “Twilight” — the satire must be stupid to depict the reality of the original. But at least the directors of the “Scary Movie” spoofs aren’t trying to pass off their latest creation as anything else. It has a conscious absurdity, and that’s what makes it better than “Twilight.” Even in all its crude humor and gore, “Vampires Suck” portrays infinitely more realism than the franchise it mocks. It exposes the so-called saga for what it really is: two monsters fighting over a piece of meat. It’s sad when it takes a parody to infuse common sense into the pop culture of a generation. “Vampires Suck” serves as a long-overdue and much-needed platform for intervention. People should appreciate this feature-length caricature — not for any cinematic quality, but for the good cause it represents. ”Vampires Suck” tells you everything you need to know about the first two “Twilight” films in fewer than 90 minutes while producing more laughs than all the novels and movies combined. That’s no small feat. But directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer didn’t stop the cultural criticism with “Twilight” — delightful backlashes against the idiotic “Jersey Shore,” “Gossip Girls” and Lady Gaga abound. ”Vampires Suck” is an eye-opening, must-see movie for Generation Y. If you or someone you know exhibits Twi-hard tendencies or guido/guidette symptoms, see this movie immediately. Say you’re going “Twilight” star stalking, if you must — whatever it takes to get them to the nearest showing. If you’re immune to the above pop culture trends, great. You’ll truly be able to appreciate the sad-but-true statements in “Vampires Suck.” Yes, the movie is graphic. But how else to illustrate to Teams Edward and Jacob what awful love interests vampires and werewolves would make? And although everyone needs a good dose of fantasy and romance in his or her life, the colder-than-Edward truth is this: “Twilight” is neither. Stephenie Meyer’s  multi-million dollar cultural phenomenon is a sick excuse for a love story. If that’s your version of soft porn, the state of human sexuality is more deplorable than I thought. ”Twilight” is for those who hate reading but want to look smart by carrying around a 3-inch-thick book — never mind that each installment is 300-plus pages of the most mindless prose ever. Quit calling it the modernized “Romeo and Juliet” or “Wuthering Heights.” That’s an insult to authors, screenwriters and readers worldwide. But most importantly, quit comparing it to “Harry Potter” and other fantasy works with actual literary elements beyond romance. I’ll end with a sardonic thanks to “Twilight” for turning “bite me” — a lame, out-of-vogue putdown —into a sexually-laced catchphrase for our generation. And thank you, Jason Friedberg  and Aaron Seltzer, for making “Vampires Suck” my favorite movie of 2010 so far.   Kelly Hotard is a 19-year-old mass communication sophomore from Picayune, Miss. Follow her on Twitter @TDR_khotard.   —-Contact Kelly Hotard at [email protected]