Is it possible to die from sex?
Absolutely.
Undoubtedly being one of the most preferred ways to die, sex is not often the cause. But there are exceptions to every rule. So what are the sexiest ways to die?
The first way that came to my mind was death involving a certain stiffening substance commonly known as Viagra. Yes, it is possible to die from complications resulting from taking Viagra, Cialis or any other boner pill.
Listen carefully during the commercial next time. You’ll hear that you should talk to your healthcare professional to make sure your heart is healthy enough for sexual activity. A calm, seductive voice is inconspicuously warning you that taking this pill and having moderate to intense sex could result in a heart attack if you are either old, obese or have a pre-existing cardiovascular condition.
Yes, my flaccid friends, erectile dysfunction medications can cause heart attack and stroke in individuals who are not healthy enough for sexual activity.
When that day comes, please kill me.
Prove it, you say? Nelson Rockefeller, vice president under Gerald Ford, suffered a heart attack allegedly during intercourse with his aide, Megan Marshack. He most likely was not taking Viagra back then, but it proves it can happen regardless of drugs taken.
Say you have an R. Kelly fetish, and like ‘ole Robert, you like to tinkle on people — more specifically, on your sexual counterpart. Let’s say you ate some asparagus earlier that day, and your sexual partner is repulsed by your urine and attempts to avoid the pungent golden shower by covering their face with the bedsheets. You think this is funny, and the flow continues. The result is a wet sheet covering your partner’s face, preventing them from breathing.
This is called water boarding and is only legal in Guantanamo Bay. Simulated drowning would likely not go over well with your sexual partner, so learn from R. Kelly and leave the pee for the toilet.
Suffocation during sex is not unheard of. Actor David Carradine, who starred in the “Kill Bill” movies, was found dead in a closet in Thailand. He was nude, hanging in his hotel closet by a rope. The death was ruled as “accidental asphyxiation” associated with bondage and sexual activity.
Lastly, human bone is not as strong as we think. The steady thump, thump, thump of skulls banging against the headboard could cause a potentially life-threatening head injury.
Hit your head too hard and it could result in a skull fracture and potentially brain damage or death. I recommend finding out sooner rather than later if your partner suffers from osteoporosis.
A sex injury could become more likely if the intercourse is taking place in a slippery setting, like the shower. I suspect accidently slipping and hitting your head against shower tile probably hurts more than a steady and expected thump from the headboard. So wear your shower shoes, kids.
You can also die from STDs, but everybody knows that. What everybody doesn’t know is that certain STDs, if left untreated, can cause you to go crazy.
Neurosyphilis is an infection of the brain or spinal cord that develops when syphilis goes untreated for years. Symptoms include inability to walk, dementia, depression, blindness, seizures, mood swings, paranoia and mania.
Hitler has been alleged to suffer from neurosyphilis by the Royal College of Psychiatrists in the United Kingdom, which may explain some of his atrocious actions.
Former Ugandan dictator Idi Amin, portrayed by Forest Whitaker in the film “The Last King of Scotland,” suffered from the advance stages of syphilis. Amin killed an estimated 300,000 of his own people, adding his name to the long list of 20th century madmen. Syphilis is likely partially to blame for his ruthless actions.
Just know sex can be dangerous. Take the necessary precaution to prevent injury; wear a helmet if you have to. In this day and age, it often takes more than just covering your girth to ensure a fun and safe interaction.
 
Parker Cramer is a 20-year-old political science junior from Houston. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_pcramer.
 
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Contact Parker Cramer at [email protected]