Chris Christie is too fat, and Sarah Palin is too dumb.
In case you were wondering, that’s why neither of them will be the Republican nominee for president this year.
Recently, major news outlets have been tossing around the question of whether New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie and former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin will announce their candidacies in the coming weeks.
Christie already announced repeatedly that he will not run for president until he is ready, while Palin strings along the mass media by neither affirming nor denying her intention to run.
If the Republicans want to win, these two should stay out of the way.
I rather like Christie. I know he’s a Republican, but nobody is perfect. When Hurricane Irene loomed over New Jersey, Christie told people to “get the hell off the beach.” He’s blunt and tells people what they need to hear.
Having said that, Christie does not stand a chance. It’s too late in the game, he doesn’t have enough money and he’s overweight. By overweight, I mean he makes Rosie O’Donnell look anorexic.
Americans are shallow. Don’t argue. If you don’t believe me, ask the guys at the gym how much money they spend on creatine and testosterone boosters. While you’re at it, ask them how many hours they spend in front of a mirror flexing their pharmaceutically-enhanced masculinity.
The president is not only the leader of the American people, but also a symbol of the United States seen by the rest of the world. A slim, fit politician is much more marketable than John Goodman’s long-lost twin.
We are an image-obsessed country, and we won’t elect an overweight president any sooner than we would elect an ugly president. Christie could be the most successful governor in the history of New Jersey, but his size disqualifies him — it’s a shame, but it’s true. He has to meet Jenny Craig before he is ready to meet the nation’s voters.
While Palin may not be overweight, she is neurologically bulimic.
Imagine you got a job. You held that job for two years, during which you rarely showed up for work because you were incessantly seeking a better job. Time passes, you don’t get the better job, you quit your first job and somehow people still throw money at you.
This is the story of Sarah Palin.
Elected mayor of a small town in Alaska, she went on to become governor in December 2006. When the GOP was searching for a vice presidential candidate to make them look as progressive as the Democrats who were running a black male for President, they found her — somehow.
She spent a substantial amount of time as governor either pregnant and nursing her fifth child Trig or campaigning for vice president. After Obama won, it only took Palin a few months to resign her governorship, never having served a full term in office.
 
She is clearly a mediocre employee at best. Yet, miraculously, she became a political authority overnight. This begs the question: How the hell — as Christie might put it — did you people almost elect this woman? 
Palin’s rise to success is certain proof that life is not fair. Listen up, kids — you don’t have to be intelligent, you don’t have to work hard and you can quit on the people who elected you into office. As long as you are loud and crazy enough, John McCain will find you. When he does, he will make you so famous that your daughter will have a ghostwritten New York Times bestseller on being a teenage mother.
Despite Palin’s popularity among a specific demographic and Christie’s political tact, both of them ought to stick to endorsing other candidates.
 
Parker Cramer is a 20-year-old political science junior from Houston, Texas. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_pcramer.
 
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Contact Parker Cramer at [email protected]