Are we going to have even one legitimate Republican candidate for president?
After watching the CNN Republican debate Tuesday, my question does not seem so silly. Obviously, the GOP will have to nominate one of the seven seen on stage, but none of the contenders come off as exceptional.
None seem to have the pizzazz to unite lower-class evangelicals with filthy-rich Wall Street bankers and take the White House.
Perhaps in the next debate, Anderson Cooper could be replaced by Morpheus, and then the selection of “The One” can begin.
First off, why is Rick Santorum even there? He is, at best, the nominee’s last choice for a running mate.
Santorum’s prejudiced comments toward homosexuals generated enough bad press that the word “Santorum” became a viral sensation and is now defined by the Internet at large as “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”
Don’t believe me? Google it.
According to CNN, the lewd “santorum” definition popped up after the former senator compared homosexuality to pedophilia and bestiality in a 2003 interview with The Associated Press.
The Republicans can’t have campaign signs that read “Colon Coffee 2012,” so Santorum is out.
So what about the other Rick? Texas Gov. Rick Perry had yet another terrible debate. This time around, practically the only things I heard come out of his mouth were accusatory remarks aimed toward Mitt Romney and his alleged hiring of illegal immigrants.
Perry is the last person who should be commenting on the employment of illegal immigrants because without them, his state would not function.
Now on to the other Texan in the running, Ron Paul. His ideas about bringing the troops home and cutting the massive, unnecessary military spending appeal to me. But Paul is far too rational to be nominated as the Republican candidate, so he’s out.
Next up: Michele Bachmann. We know she fostered virtually every child in Minnesota, but that does not make her a contender. In fact, because foster parents are issued a monthly stipend from the state for each foster child, that makes her a hypocrite.
Bachmann can’t get away with wanting to cut social welfare programs after taking money from one herself.
Herman Cain, despite being the man of the hour, is still one of about four African-Americans in the whole building. His 9-9-9 plan is simple — 9-percent business flat tax, 9-percent individual flat tax and a 9-percent national sales tax. Seems easy enough — it sure would make doing our taxes exponentially easier.
But therein lies the problem. In this country, we have built an entire industry around our taxes being too complicated to understand. Entire companies would go under simply because Americans can finally file their own taxes. Sorry, Herman, simplicity is a job killer.
Romney, you sleaze. First he was pro-choice, now he’s pro-life. Romneycare works for Massachusetts but not the whole country. I have come to the conclusion that this man would shoot his mother in the face if it got him elected to political office.
As far as Newt Gingrich goes, I forgot he was running for president until I saw him at the debate. I imagine the rest of America did as well.
Personally, I think the Republicans are going to try to look as progressive as possible and run Cain against Barack Obama to try and split the African-American vote.
However, with the GOP convention still months away, the nominee is still a toss-up. But for now, as the debates continue, at least we have an excuse to procrastinate school work on weeknights.
Parker Cramer is a 20-year-old political science junior from Houston. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_pcramer.
 
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Contact Parker Cramer at [email protected]