This article is satire and purely meant for the reader’s enjoyment.
LSU students woke up from their alcohol-induced naps this week to protest proposed changes to the University’s tailgating policies.
The various proposals were announced in an effort to reduce the amount of trash found on campus following home games.
“It just smells like Bourbon Street,” LSU President F. King Alexander said. “Bunch of mongrels can’t even piss in the porta potties taxpayers pay for them to use.”
The proposals would ban large quantities of alcohol, with one proposal requiring student organizations to hire out a third party vendor to legally distribute alcohol during game days.
The third party vendors are expected to be as relentless with fake IDs as prominent Tigerland hangout, Bogie’s Bar.
Another proposal would require students to bring their own personal supply of alcohol to gamedays. The proposal is aimed at underage students who freeload off of free fraternity booze.
“I’m actually not even in a fraternity,” local binge drinker Jacob Hamilton said. “I just show up dressed like a pledge, and they give me free jungle juice.”
The language used in the suggested policies specifically bans large furniture like couches on the Parade Ground. Members of Greek organizations feel as if University administration is targeting them with the new rules.
“We’ve already prepaid for our kegs this fall,” local fraternity hound William Taylor Potter said. “What are we supposed to do with all of this Natty Light?!”
“The University should refund us with the money they were planning to use to repair the art building. Hippies don’t need it anyway.”
The University is denying the allegations from the Greek organizations.
“We are not targeting Greek students,” Dean of Students Mari Fuentes-Martin said in a statement. “In fact, similar language was used in recent legislation to protect religious freedom in Mississippi,” Fuentes-Martin said.
“Their legislation definitely wasn’t targeting homosexuals. This millennial witch hunt must end.”
Students from all social circles are excited to protest the ban on booze because none of them seem to understand or care about the impending $750 million deficit.
Aides for Gov. John Bel Edwards said he’s considering using threats against alcohol as a tool to guarantee student involvement in future matters.
Recent comments from students indicate the governor’s threats may be useless.
“Budget cuts are irrelevant anyway,” local live Tweeter Caitie Burkes said. “This school will shut down due to lack of enrollment if it becomes a dry campus. Yikes!”
As the tailgating proposals are discussed further, all protests planned for the budget cuts and campus racial inequality have been cancelled.
“If we can’t booze, we lose,” Burkes said.
John Gavin Harp is a 21-year-old mass communication junior from St. Francisville, Louisiana.