This article is purely satire and meant for the readers’ enjoyment.
Pope Francis declared war against American politics on Wednesday and suggested Donald Trump was the Antichrist.
“Any man who doesn’t love and respect Megyn Kelly is a man who will bring forth the Rapture,” Pope Francis said at a midair news conference following his six-day visit to Mexico.
“I do not think a political system that supports this man is one of Godly values, so the Roman Catholic Church and Vatican City are declaring war against the United States of America,” Pope Francis added.
The war is expected to be more of a peaceful protest, considering the Vatican City State only has 840 citizens — most of whom protect the Pope.
The six-day visit to Mexico included Pope Francis visiting charities as well taking over Snaphat Mexico and posting selfies with fans in Aztec ruins.
“What can I say? I love the geofilters,” Pope Francis said of his affection for Snapchat. “I just wish they had one for God’s Heavenly Kingdom.”
Snapchat CEO, Evan Spiegel, said the social media application is working on the feature.
“It’s just difficult to get service up there, but it’ll happen,” Spiegel said.
Pope Francis also made a cameo on the popular Mexican telenovela, “Pasión y Poder,” playing the role of main character Arturo Montenegro’s notorious father. The bit role was Pope Francis’ acting debut.
“It was a lot of fun to play the father of a notorious criminal on television,” Pope Francis said of the role. “Hopefully I put [Montenegro] back on the path to God.”
Donald Trump responded to the Pope’s remarks after the news reached him at his rally in South Carolina.
“Pope Francis is a loser,” Trump said to a crowd of thousands of angry Southern Baptists. “I’ve seen those poll numbers. Besides, if I were the Antichrist, I would’ve already become president. I wouldn’t need to speak to you losers.”
Donald Trump’s tirade against Pope Francis continued throughout the rally. Trump eventually brought Hillary Clinton into the mix.
“You know something? I bet you Pope Francis is in cahoots with Hillary Clinton. I bet he had something to do with Benghazi,” Trump declared. “Maybe he’ll get indicted too.”
In response to Pope Francis’ war on America, Trump suggested his supporters abandon Christianity and worship him instead.
“I’ve got this idea. You all can worship my book, The Art of the Deal, instead of the Bible. We’re going to make religion great again,” Trump said. “It’s gonna be YUGE.”
John Gavin Harp is a 20-year-old mass communication junior from St. Francisville, Louisiana.