The United States has evolved since our Founding Fathers wrote the Constitution, and our government should adapt to the times. Instead of using a barbaric electoral college to choose our presidents, we should take the more civil approach of an all out brawl to the death among candidates.
What would we allow and how would we enact this? Obviously we can’t allow guns because they are barbaric and have evil plots of their own. We also shouldn’t allow any weapons of mass destruction lest we “accidentally” invade a country.
Let’s stick to bows, knives and swords — the basics. Bobby Jindal duel-wielding a set of swords against Hillary Clinton with a halberd and throwing knives is a more civil presidential debate than our current system of debates and rhetoric.
Some contenders may back down due to being old and frail or because they simply have no guts. We need strong leaders to make difficult choices. What better place to show strength than in the heat of hand-to-hand combat?
Before the all-out brawl can begin, we should have a series of real-life scenarios to choose the top candidates. Candidates who can pass a real-life scenario of mental tests will pass the evaluation.
Giving the candidates a choice to save your ambassadors life or going to play golf should do the trick.
After the psychological tests, the candidates should show their skills in foreign diplomacy by bringing back terrorist scalps. Nothing says civilized like returning with souvenirs from successful diplomatic relations.
The final test is the brawl. All surviving candidates shall be thrown into a 1-square kilometer section of a Canadian forest where they battle each other using their personal weapons.
Some candidates may be cheap and camp or play dirty, but all’s fair in love and war, except for guns. Guns are evil incarnate.
The winner of this bloodthirst shall claim their prize of the United States of America. If the candidate declines the prize, the process starts over until a person claims the country.
This process still has a few kinks to work out. For example, should we allow Katanas, or should we stick to traditional western weaponry? But if some people have a problem with the Constitution, maybe we should try this amazing civilized change.
Garrett Marcel is a 22-year-old petroleum engineering senior from Houma, Louisiana. You can reach him on Twitter @Gret419.