There are certain days when work gets in the way of one’s rockstarness.
It’s hard to be a full-fledged rockstar when you have so much responsibility.
That’s why I am now accepting applications for a personal assistant.
To be the personal assistant to the Cuffist, one must possess a few qualities that I will happily list:
1. Wake-up skills. The Cuffist hates waking to the ruthless RANT-RANT-RANT of her Wal-Mart alarm clock every afternoon.
All applicants must wake the Cuffist with a nice back rub, a soothing voice and the smell of freshly brewed coffee.
2. Planner abilities. The Cuffist never has/is not able to/will not attempt to keep a planner.
But, she has important frisbee dates, afternoon drink sessions and free cafeteria dinners to attend.
The personal assistant will be expected to maintain a record of these important dates and usher the Cuffist to them.
3. Mad driving skills. Speaking of ushering, the PA will be expected to drive the Cuffist’s car whenever the Cuffist is: tired, bored, not up to driving, sick, scared, angry, happy, full, drunk, in love, crushing, busy or otherwise engaged.
(All applicants must be able to drive a standard.)
4. Networking skills. The PA must be able to introduce Cuffist to persons of interest (i.e. hot people), as Cuffist is actually a douchebag who gets nervous around new hot people.
The Cuffist’s PA also must be prepard to thwart crappy people from approaching the Cuffist.
Although the Cuffist is generally happy to talk to both of her fans, sometimes “her divaness” prefers to avoid said weirdos.
5. Bagel-preparation know-how. All bagels must be of the “everything” variety, toasted medium-dark, with a lot of cream cheese and fresh-ground black pepper, unless otherwise noted.
6. Humor. The PA must laugh at all of the Cuffist’s jokes and stories, even if the joke or story has been told many times and/or is not funny.
(This especially applies to the “Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.” joke.)
7. Puppy love. Assistant must love Cuffist’s dog totally and unconditionally.
8. VCR capabilities. Assistant must be able to record all episodes of Passions, Good Day Live, American Idol, Sorority Life, World’s Scariest Police Videos, and When Farm Animals Attack.
9. Nimble fingers. Assistant must roll, light and dispose of Cuffist’s cigarettes.
10. Undying loyalty. Under no circumstances is the PA to assist Christina Stephens or other members of The Reveille staff.
She/they can get off their lazy butts and do their own work.
Please e-mail applications to [email protected].
Cuffist is an equal opportunity employer. As long as you’re hot.