Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
It is a special time of the year; a time to spend with family and friends, a time to give thanks for the blessings in your life, and a time to appreciate the Indians, because without Indians, the Pilgrims would have never survived to create a society that would later run out those same Indians because of the belief in a philosophy known as “Manifest Destiny” – ironic, isn’t it?
Anywho, I would like to use this space to give thanks to all the special people and things in my life.
First, I would like to give thanks to Ole Miss for losing (Hotty Toddy).
I would like to give thanks to Marlboro Menthol Light cigarettes for keeping me healthy.
I would like to thank the guy who created elastic waistbands, and whoever decided that mayonnaise should come in a squeezable bottle.
I give thanks to low-rise jeans and crop tops, hooker boots and fishnet stockings.
This Thanksgiving, I will appreciate illegal cable, long-lasting batteries and the adult toys they power.
I thank cotton for being the fabric of my life, and Newcastle for making me look like an intelligent beer-drinker.
I also give thanks to the color black for doing its best to slim me down, Viagra for giving Bob Dole something to do, and sesame chicken.
I like sesame chicken – yum.
I give thanks to Jenna Jameson for teaching me how to make love to a woman – I hope I’ll get to put that knowledge to use one day.
Thank you Joni Mitchell, The Band and Kenny Loggins.
Thank you N SYNC, O-Town, and Kids Incorporated. (Ok, maybe not N SYNC and O-Town, but definitely Kids Incorporated.)
I give thanks to spray-on tans, S’mores, and Otter Pops.
Thank you Flintstone Kids for being 10 million strong and growing.
I thank Martin Luther King, Jr., Ghandi and Bert and Ernie.
(I sure wish I knew of another way to start a sentence than “I give thanks to …”)
Did I say I give thanks to Marlboro Menthol Lights?
And last but not least, I would like to give thanks to you, the reader, for forgiving me just this once for writing the most non-funny thing ever printed on this page.
So enjoy the long weekend, eat some turkey and give thanks for the things that matter most in your life – like double-stuffed Oreo cookies.