We use them to get out of meetings, class, appointments, family engagements and dates. We tell them when we do not know what to say or when we know exactly what someone wants to hear.
At the time, they seem like a quick fix to a potentially uncomfortable situation. Any way you look at it, it is a lie.
If asked what is the single most important quality we seek in relationships (of any sort) most people respond honesty. In our everyday interactions when we ask questions and when we answer the queries of others, often we are not always being completely honest.
Think about how many lies we tell in a day. It may not always be intentional. But more often than not, we know what we are doing or not going to do when we say things like: “Call me” or “I’ll Call you” or “Yeah I am coming” or “If you are ever in town stay with me” or “I will do that” or “Yeah that looks great on you.” The list goes on and on. I take issue with the fact that these lies are accepted, acceptable and often expected.
The lies we tell hourly, daily and weekly may not necessarily be the Enron and WorldCom-type of lies, but perhaps these are exactly the type that lead some people to believe that there is nothing wrong with doing what people in those organizations did.
We call America land of the free and the home of the brave.
But lying, a practice everyone has engaged in at least once is one of the most cowardly acts we can commit. We justify these lies because the goal is to protect the feelings of others. But more often than not, we create the opposite effect. When we tell people what we think they want to hear but do not really mean it we hurt their feelings more than if we would have if we told them the truth the first time.
Instead of telling lies, we should learn to be tactful.
This is the art of saying things so that our message is conveyed effectively without being hurtful or demeaning.
In doing so we would create a society of people who ask questions, seek honest answers, and prepare to receive them and deal with the consequences.
At a program I once participated in, the most valuable lesson I learned came from a book called The Four Agreements.
The agreement that struck me the most is “be impeccable with your word.” This is doing your best to keep your word at all times. As a result you live up to every commitment you make and others know they can count on you and your word.
Every day we try to balance being impeccable with our words and respecting the feelings of others against the right to say what we feel. Freedom to say what we feel without fear of persecution is a right we enjoy and pride ourselves on in America. Some people believe so strongly in this right that they will risk their lives, livelihood and other valuable possessions to defend freedom of speech.
We take issue when limits are placed on our speech. But every time we utter an untruth we disrespect this right.
Soon we will take finals, leave for the break or perhaps graduate and go out into the “real world” and depart from our roommates, classmates and friends. Wherever the next leg of life’s journey takes you is a new beginning.
So resolve to stop telling lies that seem empty and meaningless today and make a fresh start.
On the way out of the classroom, residence hall or apartment do not make the usual series of empty promises like “I will call you,” “Come and visit me during the break” or “I will miss you.” Unless you really mean it, the recipient will really expect you to come and visit and when you don’t their feelings may be hurt.
The other option is that they do not want you to come and visit any more than you want to.
So until mid-January they will hope that you don’t randomly show up at their door.
So as the semester comes to a close commit to tell the truth while using as much tact as possible.
In 2004, I resolve to be more honest, but I am going to start this week.