Now, you might not believe me, but I think I’m a Jedi Knight.
I know it’s weird, but it’s true.
I was first tipped off when I woke up yesterday morning spooning with Yoda.
For a little guy, he sure is brave in bed — quick hands.
Anywho, I figured that was just a coincidence, but I was walking to class and I saw this guy that I hate, and I remember thinking “I wish that big blue recycling bin would jump up and beat the crap out of him.”
And you wanna know what happened next?
The big blue recycling bin jumped right off the ground and beat the crap out of him. (You can read the news story on page 12).
So then I get to class, and by this point I’m a little freaked out.
So there I am, sitting in biology going over the morning’s events in my head, when she walks in.
I don’t know her name, but she is smokin’ hot.
I decide to do the ultimate Jedi test — pleasuring a woman with your mind.
She had to leave the lecture.
I’m not joking — I rocked her world with my mind.
Later on that day, I was in Wal-Mart picking up some groceries when a couple of Storm Troopers started to shoot at me with their blasters from the pasta aisle.
Who knew Wal-Mart was an Imperial strong hold?
I reached in my pants and pulled out a Light-saber.
I have no idea where that came from.
A couple of backflips over the frozen food section, a few mean laser deflection moves and I was out the door.
I can’t believe I got that girl off with my mind — that is awesome!
Anywho, I got to my car only to find Chewbacca behind the wheel.
I was like, “F*** it!”
So I climbed in the passenger side and we took off — literally.
We took off.
Now, I’ve skimmed through the owner’s manual of my 1996 Honda Accord LX wagon, but I seemed to miss the “X-Wing” feature.
Yeah, apparently the resale value is phenomenal.
And we were off to some remote moon off some remote planet.
I didn’t care; Chewbacca has great taste in music.
We spent the whole trip jammin’ out to Steely Dan.
“Are you reelin’ in the years / Stowin’ away the time / Are you gatherin’ up the tears / Have you had enough of mine.”
Oh, and by the way, Luke Skywalker is a prima donna.
Steely Dan, everybody! “You been tellin’ me you’re a genius / Since you were seventeen / In all the time I’ve known you / I still don’t know what you mean…”