Editor’s Note: The following column is satire.
The Curse of Omar is broken! Jeff Landry decided not to bring a live tiger to the Vanderbilt game, and guess what? We won. Maybe this will be a sign for him to finally stop messing with our team. All this to say, we still have a chance to get into the playoffs, especially because all our opponents lost, too.
Alabama lost embarrassingly to Oklahoma 3 to 24, which is laughable considering how badly we lost to Alabama, but also scary considering we have to play Oklahoma next. Oklahoma isn’t an obstacle, but perhaps LSU itself is the biggest hurdle to overcome before we can talk about a playoff run.
Next, we need Ole Miss, Texas A&M, and, for funsies, Alabama to all lose next week. Ole Miss is playing Mississippi State at Oxford, which almost locks in an Ole Miss victory; however, stranger things have happened this year, and an Ole Miss loss definitely locks them out of the playoffs.
We would also need A&M to lose against Texas in their rivalry game. Considering that the Aggies lost to South Carolina and Auburn, this should be an easy task for the 10-1 Longhorns, and that guarantees that A&M is out of the playoffs.
Finally, Alabama is likely not going to the playoffs anyway, but I personally think it would be really funny if Alabama lost the Iron Bowl against Auburn. As we saw this past week against the Aggies, Auburn is willing to put up a fight and, therefore, will be a hard challenge for Alabama to overcome.
If our previous rivals lose the games mentioned, we would need for Mizzou to lose to Arkansas for this plan to work. This would make LSU behind Georgia, Texas, Tennessee and South Carolina. Since we beat South Carolina, according to the dark arts of football, this means we are better than them.
Moving forward, to make sure the SEC championship game doesn’t end up being a rematch of Georgia versus Texas, we need Gregory Abbott to call for Texas to succeed from the union. This is likely to happen because Abbott is a volatile governor known for doing things to actively harm his state.
If Abbott were to do this, not only would this make A&M and Texas ineligible for the NCAA, as they are no longer a national team, but it would also kick them out of the SEC, which is for the greater good. Maybe Abbott has a chance of doing some good in his tenure, after all.
Regardless, this leaves Tennessee and Georgia ahead of us. There isn’t much to do about Georgia, but maybe in their rivalry game with Georgia Tech, the ghost of John Heisman can visit Carson Beck in his sleep, causing him nightmares to miss the game; then again, considering his interception rate, maybe a new QB would help Georgia out.
But if Georgia does win, which they are likely to do, this would mean the SEC championship would be Tennessee versus Georgia, right? Well, we would have to play a bit of lawyer ball in our football. And if this year has demonstrated anything, it’s that teams are not afraid of playing a little lawyer ball.
Tennessee’s team is called the Volunteers; however, in the NIL era of football, none of the players are volunteers because they are paid for their name, image and licenses. Calling yourself a volunteer when you are being paid is illegal according to the Fair Labor Standards Act and will invalidate Tennessee from the SEC until they pick a new mascot. Maybe they should be the employees instead.
This leaves South Carolina ahead of us, but since we have already beat South Carolina, that means LSU is a better team and will play Georgia in the SEC championship. This will be LSU’s greatest challenge: Can the Tigers beat the Bulldogs?
Yes, all that has to happen is for Beck to throw more interceptions than Nussmeier would. In the case they both throw interceptions left and right, we can expect an extremely high scoring game. But because LSU has lifted the Curse of Omar, they will win against Georgia.
From then on, it should be easy to beat the other teams because LSU will have the Mandate of Heaven to win the national championship. This is the easiest pathway to victory and is entirely possible, considering how the season has gone so far.
Even if LSU, despite this scenario being possible, doesn’t win, as long as Texas A&M doesn’t win, we should be good. The last time Texas A&M won a national championship was in 1939, and that was the same year Adolf Hitler invaded Poland. As long as Texas A&M loses, WWIII can’t start, and that’s all that matters.
Andrew Sarhan is an 18-year-old mass communication freshman from Baton Rouge, La.