Everyone has heard of the monster lurking under beds covered in rose petals. Everyone has seen the swirling void consume your beloved friend. Everyone has seen the disfiguration and desolation of your sister-in-arms. All done by evil, the modern original sin… a situationship.
Grab your book of the damned and get to writing. I’m going to transcribe to thee lessons passed on by my coven (older friends, Twitter and personal experiences) on how to defend your fellow witches (average college students) from the coming darkness.
In this modern dating hellscape, situationships are becoming more common. To the blissfully unaware summer children among us, a situationship, according to my favorite mortal tome, is “A romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established.” This is, of course, a glamor for mortal eyes. In truth, a situationship is a curse brought upon the world by a possessed individual. One being extorted by a spirit most foul and immature.
Fear not. For we witches (average college students) can and will defend ourselves from the fiendish force sweeping young adult dating.
Firstly, know how to spot a change in your coven members. Is your typical lovelorn talkative witch silenced by the devilish hand of a situationship? Have they stopped speaking about how much they yearn for a human familiar? Alternatively, is your best-witch for life now suddenly complaining about being stuck in the shadow land with a mortal who keeps telling them how they only wish to speak to them, yet never make actions to go on a date nor romantic moonlight broom-ride? Other signs are witches hiding their crystal balls (phones) when taking pictures on Snapchat.
However, your coven-mate may be open about their situationship, one would think this openness would lend itself to absolution, a breaking of the thread betwixt the “lovers.” This is most often not the case. The openness typically comes with a comfortableness with the detestable situationship. This curse is hard to break.
The witch will latch onto the hope of something blissful and blesséd, blinded by the potential that is just an illusion. All situationships are baneful. Alas, not all is lost. Invoke a circle of witches to reach out intervention style to wake your dearest friend from this dreadnought relationship. With a combined might and care of your coven perhaps you can begin to wean your friend off the teat of toxicity.
Oftentimes invoking the powerful counter-curse commonly called “the ick” can cause great damage to the oozy situationship. Reminding the witch of her innate power and worth can also make the foundations shake, incantations consisting of, “You’re too good for this, too pretty, too smart.”
Alas, if the curse of a situationship is broken it’s time to enact revenge. Grab thy cauldron some rusted nails, eye of newt, the scream of a banshee and a half tablespoon of Tony’s seasoning, and get to cursing the hair off the culprit.
Garrett McEntee is a 19-year-old English sophomore from Benton.
