I was walking to my car in the Nicholson lot when it happened.

I started feeling an itching sensation on the small of my back while passing Mike’s cage — I mean habitat.

At first, I wasn’t worried. I always get that feeling when I walk by Mike.

Then I saw something that frightened me.

A caterpillar was dangling on what I can only imagine was a line of terror from the tree in front of me.

Walking at my normal brisk pace, I had to swerve out of the way to avoid colliding with the beast.

I stopped for a breather and remembered the itchy sensation on my back. My eyes opened wide and my spine got straight as I froze with the realization that my enemy was attempting to burrow into my skin.

Or maybe just trying to get out from under my shirt. Whatever.

I threw off my backpack and ripped off my shirt right there in front of Mike and everyone else. I located the enemy and, with an awkward twist of my wrist, flicked it into Oblivion, starring Tom Cruise.

After a few moments of reflection and triumph, I gathered my belongings and headed home.

Although this has happened every one of the five years I’ve been on campus, I never get used to it. Caterpillar season.

They are terrifying, omnipotent, numerous and presumably inedible.

So what can we do about this annual menace? I’ve been thinking a lot about this issue in my free time during class, and I’ve come up with some solutions.

After some heavy research, I discovered a list of the caterpillars’ natural enemies from the University of California Agriculture and Natural Resources.

These include assassin bugs, brown and green lacewings, birds and spiders.

We have a lot of birds here, but they’re all from Louisiana and therefore too lazy to do the job. This is obvious because we still have a lot of caterpillars.

That leaves us with assassin bugs, lacewings and spiders.

Assassin bugs have the coolest name, so obviously I started there. After some Ebaying and Craigslisting, I could not find anyone trying to sell large quantities of these bugs online. This is a problem I ran into with the other bugs as well.

My next idea was to retrain the squirrels to hunt caterpillars. Because of our immense squirrel population, I thought they could fix our problem for us. But after extensive conversations with the squirrels’ leader, Mahmoud Ahmedinesquirell, we could not come to an agreement on terms.

So I’ve had to settle on my last option: good old human interference.

Take no prisoners. Have no pity. Go full-force squash.

If you see a caterpillar anywhere — hanging from a tree, crawling on the ground, clinging to a companion — don’t just settle with letting it stay there.

Murder it.

If we do this, our victory will be swift and our lands will be reclaimed.

I’ve placed a bounty on the heads of caterpillars in the area. For every filled Mason jar of caterpillar remains you drop off at The Reveille office in the basement of Hodges Hall, this writer will give you $5.

Go forth. Slay.

John Parker Ford is a 22-year-old mass communication senior from Alexandria.