Editor’s note: The following column is satire.
Donald Trump’s claim that he would be arrested last Tuesday never came to fruition, but it did create speculation on what it would look like if the former president was incarcerated. He should’ve been arrested, if only to see what it would’ve looked like through the lens of a reality TV show.
Prison gangs are primarily determined by race; the most popular factions are white, Black and Hispanic, represented most generically by the Aryan Brotherhood, the Black Guerilla Family and the Mexican Mafia.
In a funnier world, Trump would have the biggest third-act twist ever, joining the Black Guerilla Family, converting to Islam and spending the rest of his life preaching radical Black politics. Upon his release, he would campaign against capitalism and white supremacy before being assassinated by the CIA.
In this world, however, he’d clearly be the number one draft pick of the Aryan Brotherhood. He would break the record for the quickest ascension to the top of the gang – walking into the prison signing autographs for other prisoners like a quarterback entering his home stadium on game day. They would probably react like teenage girls in the 1960s when they saw “The Beatles” for the first time in person.
For maximum entertainment value, TV executives should take action and create a reality show that centers around Trump picking his second in command by giving everyone tasks and grading their performances. He could also reprise his catchphrase from his other show “The Apprentice” except this time telling a contestant, “you’re fired” would mean a stay in solitary confinement.
He’d probably challenge members of the gang to negotiate a deal with the prison to build a wall between the Aryan Brotherhood territory and that of the Hispanic prison gang and make them pay for it.
Trump could host and judge a talent show as a competition for one episode. What he really needs is a bureaucracy of white-collar crime to continue operations behind bars. This will win, much to the chagrin of prisoners who’d chose to show off their abilities to make toilet wine, fashion knives out of toothbrushes or tattoo swastikas.
The show’s most exciting plot would probably involve a conspiracy to sneak in the truckload of bronzer Trump needs for daily use so as to prevent himself from looking like a vampiric mole rat. The second most important storyline would feature prisoners trying to sneak as many wigs as possible into jail using birthday cakes.
The show would also provide an opportunity to see Trump roast the Aryan Brotherhood.
“They’re saying you guys aren’t what you used to be. They’re testing you more and more, everyone is talking about it. Everyday people tell me, guys come up to me on the yard they say your gang is weak. The ethnic gangs say join us we won’t care about anything you did or said as the president as long as you get us cigarettes. I’m not saying I’m going to leave, but I’ve been trying on sombreros and dashikis for weeks now,” he’d say.
He wouldn’t pull any punches while berating them.
“Quite frankly you guys are soft. Many people are saying that you guys are more like the Aryan sisterhood, they’re calling you the Aryan sisterhood of the traveling pants, they’re saying that,” crime boss Trump would say.
We’d get to see him tear into members individually.
“Crazy Carson, they call you, but you got beat up and stabbed. That’s not so good,” he’d say. “When it was time to go crazy you were very sane, very sane. You even started crying, they’re calling you crybaby Carson. They said they’d never seen anyone cry that much. I’ve talked to people that have seen a lot of crying, even they said they’ve never seen that many tears. I said really, you’ve never seen that many? They said yes, we’ve never seen it, Mr. Trump, this guy is a baby.”
Best of all, Trump can still run for president while incarcerated, leaving open the possibility that he’ll have to do debates and conduct rallies over zoom in hopes of winning so that he can pardon himself.
That should be reason enough to arrest him today, and if it’s not, the FBI should just make one up.
America needs good television. America deserves good television. Make American television great again.
Frank Kidd is a 22-year-old mass communication senior from Springfield, Virginia.
