Editor’s note: The following column is satire.
This year’s Academy Awards came and went with less attention than its former, which famously featured Will Smith slapping Chris Rock. The Academy struck gold from an entertainment perspective last year but attempts to create the next moment of peak television were sorely lacking. They missed an opportunity to build upon last year and deliver an even better show.
The Academy should’ve picked the nominees and let two of them fight while in character. This year, Brendan Fraser probably still would’ve won, but he would’ve had to defeat Austin Butler dressed as Elvis, who’d try to use the magical powers of his hip thrusts. Fraser, who won for his role in “The Whale”, would have to wear his prosthetic suit while having access to an actual whale to drop on his opponent. The best actress award should be decided the same way, but the trophy should be 77% as large as the men’s award to represent the wage gap.
Some awards should be changed. The best supporting actor category isn’t bad, but it should highlight the people who support actors in their everyday lives.
Having a good relationship with an actor on screen is important, but limiting the effects of their self-destructive actions is more important. Acting alongside someone isn’t as significant as bailing them out of jail because they went a little too crazy at a party. The PR director who’s in charge of cleaning up the mess an actor makes when a few off-color comments slip out deserves some love. The people that save actors from their cocaine overdoses deserve more attention than a second-billed performer.
The more depressing and boring an international film is, the better it is. Every sophisticated person knows this, apparently, but none of them decide who wins Academy Awards.
The nominees this year seemed to have things for stupid people, like a discernible plot. There should be more representation of movies shot in black-and-white and without dialogue, from which the viewer is supposed to draw a message about the meaning of life. The winner of the Best International Feature Film award should be the one that caused the most people to schedule therapy appointments.
The Oscars were too nice this year. There needs to be more animosity. The Academy should have had former president and future prisoner Donald Trump be the surprise host of the award show.
He should announce every nominee with his signature statements that were last acceptable in 1972. The comedy that would ensue from a room of mostly socially conscious people reacting to Donald Trump introducing the movie, “Women Talking” by saying, “Women talking? Boring. What’s next, paint drying? Grass growing? Am I Right folks?” would beat any moment that happened at this year’s Oscars.
The world needs viral clips of Trump struggling mightily to pronounce half of the nominees’ names. Or a video of him introducing the nominees for best supporting actress saying, “Angela Davis, Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. Angela, I can promise you’ll win this if you get more Black people to vote for me,” before crossing his arms in the “Wakanda Forever” pose and uttering the phrase.
The aforementioned changes would make The Oscars a much better show. If enacted, it would be a ratings bonanza. The plan has been laid out, so the ball is in the Academy’s court now.
Frank Kidd is a 22-year-old mass communication senior from Springfield, Virginia.
