Editor’s note: This column is satire.
Americans, regardless of political affiliation, feel that the conditions around them are worsening. Things are being taken away, leaving citizens to wonder what they can do to recover what’s been lost. They should focus on reversing the change that started it all, Coca-Cola’s decision to remove cocaine from its formula in 1903.
The decision violated the spirit of freedom; it was a despicable move for the quintessential American company. Coca-Cola is so American that one could argue it should be nationalized to restore the formula to its former glory. The decision would be a win for civil liberty, and it would make Joe Biden the largest drug dealer in the world.
Instead of falling victim to a gust of wind, Biden could go out like Tony Montana. Or perhaps, Biden’s syndicate would more closely resemble another Al Pacino movie, with Biden himself as Vito Corleone and Hunter Biden as Michael. The country would abandon elections; they could keep things in the family. When Hunter takes power, he would get a chance to create his version of Coca-Cola in his preferred variety of cocaine.
Movie references aside, Americans should consider the benefits of cocaine returning to the Coca-Cola recipe. The restoration would solve issues of great importance; they may even surpass when Kendall Jenner ended racism with Pepsi.
The opioid epidemic has been ravishing America, but an alternative, easily consumable drug would alleviate some of the issues. The government will never make any substantial changes to healthcare; there’s too much money to be made by the private sector. Anything resembling single-payer could never come to fruition. Instead of seeking life-extending care, Americans could adopt a live fast, die young approach; it’s a lot more affordable for the country. 
Americans’ increasing feelings of isolation are exacerbating the already existing issues. People aren’t talking to each other as much, leaving gaps in their understanding for sensationalized and exaggerated news coverage to seep into. The resulting division has led to the creation and growth of toxic organizations.
The only thing that will reverse this effect is a strengthened sense of community; what would be better at fostering that kind of community than a party drug delivered in the form of a sweet beverage? There would be less division if the purveyors and consumers of Coca-Cola always felt like throwing down.
Returning to the subject of movies, the films referenced earlier are from an era of better movies. An era where the directors were doing mountains of cocaine. It’s rumored that Brian De Palma determined the amount of cocaine on Tony Montana’s desk by collecting his daily intake in one spot. Although filmmakers haven’t stopped doing cocaine, there is a direct correlation between the amount ingested and the quality of movies.
The benefits of returning Coca-Cola to its former glory are clear. Any red-blooded, freedom-loving patriot should write their representatives, or visit them directly by storming the Capitol again.
Frank Kidd is a 21-year-old mass communication major from Springfield, Virginia.