Editor’s note: The following column is satire.
The idea that it’s not possible to be racist to white people is a simple one. In a society that gives advantages to white people, regardless of the counteracting factors of other intersections, other races can be prejudiced but don’t have the power to be racist.
This sociological definition of racism doesn’t take into account the potential of legislation being passed that marginalizes white people to the point that whiteness is no longer an exclusionary creation; it becomes a real oppressed class.
That legislation will go into effect soon. The Louisiana Office of Alcohol and Tobacco Control will soon publish its V.A.P.E. Directory, which will lay out which vape products can be sold. It’s expected to lead to a ban on flavored vapes.
Of course other races also vape, but it’s clear who the target of this legislation is. This law may not be the last step; there may come a day when vapes are banned entirely and are punished the same way that crack cocaine was in the ‘80s. At that point, it would become appropriate to say that there is structural anti-white racism.
The future where white children lose their fathers to the system, and those fathers are given 30-year sentences for selling blueberry mango flavored vapes is coming. Once thriving suburban neighborhoods will be hollowed out, filled with vape junkies itching for their next fix. Fraternity rows at universities across the countries will become indistinguishable from the most underserved inner cities.
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LSU junior Kyler Chaz Pennington is concerned about the effects of the vape ban. He opened up about it, saying, “It’s really scary, like they’re really cracking down on us. It’s like, what’s next? Banning Monster energy drinks? We got a group chat of every white frat in the state, and we’re going to march on the Capitol. It’s crazy to see history repeating itself, like this is just like the civil rights movement.”
LSU sophomore Brody Tanner Austin said, “It’s, like, wild. I took a class on racism last semester, and I’m watching like, yo, these are, like, the beginning stages of fascism. Like, I can’t believe it’s happening. I’ve actually been reading a lot of Malcolm X recently, and I’ve noticed similarities between the societal issues he was describing and what’s going on with this situation.”
As the tide of racist vape bans grows across the country and anti-white racism becomes a tangible force, it’ll become important to be more mindful of being sensitive to anti-white stereotypes. While the structure of American society will benefit white people in some ways, the blow of an insensitive joke is felt more when it’s told to someone who’s been personally impacted by racism.
Jokes about white people not seasoning their food or using peanut butter to get a little familiar with the family dog will have to wait until a more equitable society is achieved.
In a world where vapes are banned, slurs against white people will elevate in status. Non-whites should be wary of using the C-word and avoid anything that contains it. That means avoiding “C-word” Barrell and eating “C-word” Jacks or cheese and “C-words.”
Non-whites should do their best to remain compassionate as the white community is decimated by the vape ban. Being understanding during their time of persecution will go a long way.
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Frank Kidd is a 22-year-old mass communication senior from Springfield, Virginia.
