Louisiana Attorney General Jeff Landry’s “protecting minors” tip line was filled with the script to “Bee Movie,” not-so-nice tales about the AG’s mother and many, many, many references to male genitalia.
Landry created the tip line in November 2022 for people to report library books that they found inappropriate. The goal of the tip line was to stop “taxpayer-subsided sexualization of children.”
The tip line was quickly filled with less serious replies than Landry had likely hoped.
We made a list of the funniest responses to the tip line below:
“I really love my husband and he’s always been great in bed. But recently he’s been acting really weird. So, a couple of days ago, my son went on a rampage through our house and said he was in ‘Goblin Mode’.
We didn’t really know what to do with him, so we sent him to live with my parents so he can go to a special needs school. My husband a really great relationship with our son and loved him more than anything.
Naturally, he was upset when he had to leave. He’s an incredibly tough man, but this was the first time I’ve ever seen him cry. I think since then, he’s been a little emotionally unwell. I’ve heard him muttering, ‘Goblin’ repeatedly when he didn’t notice me, staring blankly into his food, and just going alone by himself to do who knows what. I feel awful for him, but we both agreed that this was for the best.
Last night, the day after our son went away, we decided to have sex to relieve our stress. However, my husband said ‘Goblin Mode activated’, starting growling, and went wild having sex with me. Admittedly, it was some of the best and most experimental sex I’ve ever had, but I’m worried that something might be going on with my husband. Any advice?”
“Greetings AG,
I would just like to talk about the issues I have with all these snowflake, liberal, beta male, low testosterone books about sex and gender. Its all too much. People need to know that there are only 2 sexes.
The sex I have with your dad. And the sex I have with your mom.”
“Hi my name is Jeff Landry and I love BIG THICK round PIZZAS in my MOUTH. I am also a disgusting human being and I hate my life.”
“The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues.
The 20-meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start.
The running speed starts slowly but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound.
Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible.
The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start.
On your mark, get ready, start.”
“The Grinch and Cindy Lou Who’s relationship is inappropriate. Textbook grooming. Please pull all ‘Grinch who stole Christmas'”
“my wife left me :(”
“Ted Cruz ate my son :(”
“This isn’t about a book but my child saw a rainbow in September after that storm and now he’s gay. If it had not have stormed so intensely then there would have been no rainbow. What are you doing to decrease the intensity of storms? They seem to be getting worse and worse every year, how do you expect a good christian mother to have a chance against nature??”
“The woman who is the library attendant at my son’s primary school has six fully functioning pairs of legs. You need to do something about this. I’m not racist, I just don’t think spiders should be part of the school system. How long before she wraps someone up in a web, liquifies them then slurps up their insides like a child-flavoured capri sun?”
“In the animated film The Land Before Time, none of the dinosaurs who are minors are wearing pants, which is indecent and encourages deviant behavior. This must stop. Add pants to Land Before Time I – VI.”
“Them librarians gave my kids a copy of the hungry caterpillar and that bug sexy as hell. Can you help me get a copy? Can you link me to any good rule34 of it? Thanks in advance!”
