Historically, today is one of the scariest days of the year.
It is filled with bad omens. Evil lurks around every corner, and suspense is heavy in the air. Lives can be ruined — or ended — based on one simple misstep. People must take precautions to keep themselves safe.
No, it’s not because today is Friday the 13th, it’s because this is the day before Valentine’s Day, and it is a dangerous day for everyone.
Valentine’s Eve puts both single and attached people at risk for being hurt — both physically and emotionally.
For single people, this day is a day in which society turns to them and asks one simple, sinister question: “Why are you still single?”
Heart-shaped chocolate displays shout “What’s wrong with you?” Commercials for Edible Arrangements ask “What did you do to become unworthy of these gifts?” Three for $10 sales on red wine whisper “Why don’t you text that guy from last semester tonight around 3 a.m.? Sure, he vomited on your shoes and tried to have sex with you in the Reggie’s bathroom, but he wasn’t a bad guy.”
Hearts, chocolate, teddy bears and roses swirl around in an inescapable tornado of pink and fluff, reminding single people they’re alone. The weaker unattached people won’t be able to take it and will be picked off one by one by the devious Cupid, causing them to call their exes sobbing in the middle of the night, asking what went wrong.
This is hell on Earth, a fate worse than death. But the psychological torture single people face is nothing compared to what people in relationships have to deal with today.
For those who have committed themselves to another — whether for a month, a year or until one person in the relationship gets so sick of the other always talking about “Game of Thrones” that he or she burns his or her books in a relationship-funeral pyre — have a unique mission on this day, and if they don’t succeed, the consequences will be dire.
Valentine’s Eve is similar to the plot of a “Saw” movie for people in relationships: either they figure out the puzzle, or they face the consequences.
The puzzle is the impossible task of figuring out what your partner wants. Naturally, you can’t ask them; that takes all of the romance out of the most romantic day of the year.
You also have make sure the gift is appropriate for the amount of time you and your partner have been together.
Buying just chocolates and a teddy bear is completely unacceptable if the relationship has passed the two-month mark; buying expensive luxury gifts if you’ve been together less than a year can cause one member of the relationship to question if they’re as committed as the other, leading to a breakup.
There is also the challenge to top what has been done for previous Valentine’s Days, birthdays, anniversaries without going overboard. Two dozen roses was nice last year, but four dozen roses won’t cut it tomorrow. This is the jigsaw puzzle that all committed people must put together, and knowing that today is the last day to do so makes it a treacherous time for all.
There are consequences for putting the pieces in the wrong place. For some people, today will be their last day of blissful commitment and they don’t even know it.
One wrong move tomorrow and a relationship can blow up in the lovebirds’ faces. Accidentally buy flowers you didn’t know your partner is allergic to? Pick up a box of chocolates knowing that your beloved is dieting, and has been having a hard enough time as it is? Purchase the exact same Victoria’s Secret lingerie set that your consort once accidentally saw her mother in?
Or even worse: purchase a gift that displays your true and deep lack of understanding of the person you supposedly love? The timer goes off and your relationship explodes, making happiness and joy a thing of the past.
This is not meant to scare — this is an advisory message. Take today seriously. Be ever vigilant in your attempts to guard yourselves from the scourge of Valentine’s Eve. Do not become another cautionary tale for people to whisper over candlelit dinners in overcrowded restaurants.
You do not have to be the token black character in this horror movie of a day. You can be the lone surviving virgin, as long as you are careful not to let the day get to you.
Good luck, students.
Logan Anderson is a 21-year-old mass communication senior from Houston, Texas. You can reach her on Twitter @LoganD_Anderson.