9 a.m. On a Monday.
Charlie is walking frantically down the sidewalk, talking on the phone. On the other end is Frank. Charlie is explaining everything at Paddy’s Pub has to be in order for an upcoming health inspection. He wants everybody out of the bar so he can clean and prepare.
Upon opening the door to Paddy’s, Charlie finds the rest of the gang wrangling chickens and painting a large wooden sign with the words “Carmine’s: A Place for Steaks.” Charlie is obviously distraught.
Charlie tries to explain to the gang that the chickens and the sign need to be out of the bar immediately. The health inspection is the one shining moment for Paddy’s, saying his hard work is what keeps the business alive. Mac is confused and has no idea what Charlie is raving about.
The chickens are part of a grand-scale scam involving food-shipping fraud. Frank supports the scheme without being totally aware or involved.
Concerned with the sanitation of the bar, Charlie notices Frank is barefoot. Frank explains that with Charlie running around yelling and Mac wrangling chickens, he became anxious and flushed his shoes down the toilet. Apparently, “flushing things gives him control.”
While Charlie cleans the bathroom stalls, Mac approaches him with a personal concern. Mac is worried about Dennis’s use of “we” when explaining the concoction of the chicken scam. In reality, Mac was the sole creator of the idea and he’s afraid he’ll lose credit to yet another scam.
Charlie can’t be bothered with Mac’s petty concerns. Looking up from a dirty toilet, Charlie notices the cover has been removed from the restroom’s gloryhole. This angers Charlie, who doesn’t want the health inspector seeing Paddy’s with something as debasing as a gloryhole.
Suddenly, the lights go out. Mac figures the vacuum sealer the gang bought as part of its scam flipped the breaker.
Frank is running around the bar, carrying crates of chickens. Dennis and Dee are busy vacuum-sealing steaks, apparently part of the scam. Charlie pulls Dee away for a moment to install a carbon monoxide detector in the basement.
The detector immediately sounds, with Charlie noting the tone as a G sharp. Dee comments on the odor of the basement. Charlie addresses it by saying the room is filled with carbon monoxide, a result of him closing the furnace vents to drive out the large quantities of rats in the basement.
Charlie runs back upstairs and sees Mac has scratch marks on his cheek. When questioned, Mac says Dennis assaulted him for bringing the issue of proper credit for creating the chicken scheme. Dennis is yells violently at Mac, clearly intoxicated. To remedy Charlie’s concerns, Frank painted his feet black to mimic the appearance of shoes.
Outside, a large freezer truck pulls up to the bar. Frank is surprised by the size of the rig, saying it seems oversized for the 400 steaks they ordered. The truck’s driver corrects him, saying the order specifies 4,000 steaks. This error is the result of Dee’s oversized fingers accidentally typing an extra zero when submitting the order.
Charlie hopes to get the truck out off of the street before the inspector arrives. He offers to cook for the driver and send him on his way, playing along with the gang’s scheme to portray Paddy’s as a steak restaurant. Frank runs inside the bar and flushes his shirt out of anxiety for the two plans colliding.
While the driver works on unloading the order of 4,000 steaks, Charlie kicks it into overdrive. When the gang tries to stop Charlie from getting in the way of its scheme, he berates them and explains its own scheme to them to show how on-the-ball he really is.
According to Charlie, the plan is as follows:
Paddy’s Pub is disguised as a restaurant, “Carmines: A Place For Steaks.” Mac, Dennis and Dee used Frank’s credit card to purchase airline miles. They then used those miles to order a mass quantity of steaks. Using the live chickens, they will contaminate the steaks and repackage them with the vacuum sealer. By sending back the steaks and complaining of contaminated food, the gang will reap the benefits of the shipper’s return policy.
To the surprise of everybody, Charlie is completely right. He’s also right when he points out that this hungry truck driver is now a monkey wrench in both its scheme and his inspection planning. He vows to work to get Paddy’s a passing grade and make sure the gang profits from its harebrained fraud idea.
What ensues is a roughly ten-minute scene designed to mimic the cinematography of the Michael Keaton film “Birdman.” Filmed in one continuous shot and scored by erratic jazz drumming, Charlie orchestrates a multi-operation effort to win the day.
To stall the hungry trucker, Charlie leads him to the “back patio,” which is actually a single bistro table in the dirty back alley. Meanwhile, Frank hijacks the freezer truck and drives it around the corner.
At the same time, a small sedan pulls up in front of Paddy’s. It’s the impromptu health inspector – the menacing Sandy Lawlor, who showed up in place of the usual inspector, Alan, who was let go due to his lenience.
Charlie tries to adapt to this new level of pressure. He leads Sandy into Paddy’s, introducing Dennis as the bar’s good hearted bartender. Dennis simply replies with, “Well, alright, alright, alright,” and continues to wipe the bar.
They move to the restrooms. Charlie leans over her shoulder as she inspects a stall. Sandy is bothered by his proximity, saying she smells cheese. This is a throwback to the long-running joke that Charlie consumes large amounts of cheese when he is nervous. Charlie leaves the inspector in the restroom and throws a set of car keys he pickpocketed to Mac.
Charlie grabs Dee as she carries a sealed pack of meat. Instead of a steak, Dee decided to offer the trucker a turkey burger. Frustrated, Charlie orders her to throw the burger onto the furnace to cook it and rush it out to the alley.
Charlie checks on Mac in the back office. There are chickens everywhere and Mac is working to put them into a wall vent. The inspector calls for Charlie, telling him the men’s restrooms passed inspection. Charlie moves her to the women’s restroom for further stalling.
Dee returns from the basement with a black, charred turkey burger. Charlie is too distracted to care and tells her to bring it to the trucker anyway. Still shirtless, Frank is hauling boxes of frozen steaks on a hand truck.
At the insistence of Charlie, Mac and Dennis are working fervently to put the chickens into the back of the freezer truck. If the plan goes according to plan, this should help contaminate the steaks. Frank is stressed by all of the commotion and begins painting himself a shirt with black paint.
Out on the “patio,” the trucker is complaining to Charlie and Dee about the burnt state of his turkey burger. To make up for it, Charlie offers him a beer. When he brings the trucker into Paddy’s to fetch the beer, Sandy informs him the women’s restroom has passed inspection.
The inspector heads to the back alley for more inspection issues. Charlie grabs the trucker’s beer from his hand, asking he enjoy his refreshment in the back office, or “VIP lounge.” He hands Dee a small, plastic recorder, telling her to give it to Frank in the basement. When the time comes to test the carbon monoxide detector, he wants Frank to camouflage himself in black paint and play a G sharp to mimic a passing tone.
Much to Charlie’s concern, Sandy moves her investigation to behind the bar. Charlie lies about some drainage pipes under the bar that may be leaking. As the inspector ducks down to check them, Mac runs to the door with chickens to put in the truck. Of course, Sandy tells Charlie the pipes are actually fine.
Charlie pretends to show off Paddy’s fancy blender, revving it to full speed until blowing the breaker. When the lights go out, Charlie shows off the vacuum sealer. He plays off the machine’s presence as a way of preserving lemons, limes and other perishables.
They move to the basement, where Frank lay in waiting with his recorder. Sandy tests the detector twice and is welcomed with two solid G sharp notes. Charlie is relieved the recorder idea worked. The inspector says she is feeling lightheaded, but Charlie quickly escorts her back upstairs.
Dee is hustling the whining trucker back to his truck. At the bar Dennis is sweating profusely from all of the manual labor. He yells at the inspector to notice him. When she asks what his problem is, he simply replies, “Alright, alright, alright.”
The freezer truck leaves from the bar just as Charlie exits with Sandy. She tells him Paddy’s has passed with one exception – the dumpster in the alley is a half-inch too close to the back door. Despite this, she gives Paddy’s the highest possible grade. Charlie hugs her, returning her car keys back to her pocket.
The camera finally makes a cut when Charlie enters the bar. The gang is seated at the bar, drinking. Frank is painted black head to toe. Charlie is overjoyed at the immense effort he put forth to pull off his inspection. Rather than celebrating, the gang berates Charlie, saying they always pass inspection and he never does anything to help them.
Charlie is infuriated. As the gang laughs at its success, Dee’s barstool breaks underneath her. Charlie and the rest of the gang laugh riotously at her misfortune, forgetting about both the inspection and the steak scheme.