Gov. Bobby Jindal briefly came down to Louisiana to warn everyone that while he is still running for president, he’ll come home to Louisiana forever if he loses.
“I might have relocated to Iowa for the time being, but you’ll never really get rid of me,” Jindal said. “My campaign could end any day, and when it inevitably does, I’m coming right back home.”
Jindal said Louisiana residents better start supporting him so he could get in to the prime-time debates, or else. He said he could make life much harder in Louisiana than it already is.
“If my campaign ends before the next governor’s inauguration, and believe me, it will end well before that day, I’m coming for all of you,” Jindal said. “When I’m through with this sinkhole of a state, you’ll never be able to recover.”
Jindal’s spokesperson said Jindal has been generous so far. If our governor had his way, LSU students would pay for 100 percent of the costs to run the school, and students should be grateful our overlord is allowing low-life serfs to have a government that subsidizes a portion of the school’s budget.
“You think things like health care and education are expensive now?” Jindal said. “Just wait. I have big plans for this state once my longshot dream of living in the White House inevitably falls flat and crushes my spirits forever. Once I finally destroy my reputation on the national scale, I’m going to annihilate Louisiana. You better pray I get on at least one real debate.”
To further prove his unquenchable wrath, he called on state lawmakers to deport everyone below the federal poverty line from Louisiana. However, his proposal could take months because Congress is now in gridlock on deportation.
State Democrats think the only way to get rid of these pesky leeches is to make the government pay for the deportation as their last entitlement.
“These uneducated, lazy drug addicts have been nothing but a burden on my campaign,” a local Democratic lawmaker said. “How am I supposed to get racist white people with an inflated sense of entitlement to vote for me when all my followers are poor, abortion-loving black hippies? The only way to efficiently rid ourselves of this plague is by getting the government to pay for their deportation.”
Republicans disagree, saying those welfare queens should pull themselves by their bootstraps and pay their own way out of this godforsaken land.
“If we provide the transportation, temporary housing and pay them the value of all their possessions, how will they ever learn not to be poor leeches on society?” a local Republican lawmaker said. “This is just another way the Obama administration is trying to push socialism onto us.”
John Bel Edwards, D-Amite, the Democratic candidate for governor, said Jindal’s fiscal irresponsibility is causing this gridlock.
“If we just expanded Medicaid, we could have enough money in the budget to throw every poor person and minority out of Louisiana,” Edwards said. “By not expanding Medicaid, we have to pick which marginalized group we want to live with until Louisiana inevitably runs itself to the ground.”
Sen. David Vitter, R-La., the opposing gubernatorial candidate, couldn’t be reached for a comment because he was sliding into some prostitute’s DMs.
Jindal left one final warning for the people of Louisiana before he left the chaos he started.
“Maybe I can’t run for governor this year, but there’s nothing stopping me from running for governor again in 2019,” Jindal said. “Mess with me. I dare you.”
Cody Sibley is a 19-year-old mass communication sophomore from Opelousas, Louisiana. You can reach him on Twitter at @CodySibley.