Addiction is the inability to stop a behavior, even when you desperately want to. Addiction is a concept I have come far too familiar with while at N.C. State.
Like on packs of cigarettes, each syllabus at N.C. State should come with a warning: the pursuit of grades is not only addictive, but also can prove to be the most detrimental pursuit one may have during their tenure at N.C. State.
My story is not unique. I entered college having never tried what I became addicted to—making the grade; however, this all changed shortly after I began my first semester. Soon I found all I did was chase the high. I’ll admit it, I was a feign. I was amazed with how reinforcing N.C. State was in feeding my addiction. N.C. State is legally obligated to make available a directory that enables anyone chasing a high. The directory maps out all of the dealers on campus and their prices for different goods over time. It’s a system that is far too reinforcing.
As the years went by I began to slowly build up a tolerance. What used to get me high for some time, now only lasted half the time. By my junior year I had built up a complete tolerance. I no longer received a utility from high marks; however, I kept going because I became anxious without it. I was no longer chasing a high, I was chasing normalcy.
A funny thing happens when you build up a tolerance, you gain perspective. You realize how pointless the high is. You begin to look at your friends who have somehow avoided the path you’re on and you become envious. I’d look at all the things my friends were able to do without my penchant and I began to reflect on all of my missed opportunities.
I would’ve loved to have taken some classes in computer engineering, advanced philosophy, more English courses, or even pursue a greater understanding in my own classes; however, I was the victim of a system that systematically reinforces the pursuit of grades and not the pursuit of knowledge. I couldn’t pursue knowledge for I would have to risk my habit to do so. This fills me with more regret than can be expressed.
Looking back, I do not blame myself for what happened, I was naïve to the addictive quality of my pursuits. I do no blame my parents for enabling me financially; they thought their $6,529 was going towards intellectual development not a habit. I don’t even blame my dealers for enabling me; they’re just trying to get by. To my surprise, many of them tried to push me off the path I was on, but, tragically, the system demands that they deal. The system makes them as powerless as the people they deal to.
There is little hope for you not falling into the same pattern I have fallen into as the addiction I speak of is reinforced by your friends, family and the University. You have to fall into the same trap as me if you hope to fit in but a change in perspective can help you live with it.
You must abstract yourself, best you can, from the reinforces that surround you. If you begin to see grades for what they really are, then soon the high derived form them will fade. Don’t get me wrong, we will still have to pursue them, it is just the way our world works; however, your new understanding will allow you to find the pursuit of grades like you find a trip to the DMV: necessary, time consuming but not a big part of your life.
