This column is all about you. Sure, it’s about a bank robbery hoax, a sadistic holiday card, marijuana on the court, marijuana in a court, moronic administrators and Russian quasi-lesbians. But more importantly, as I said, it’s all about you –specifically, how you are not the stupidest person in the world, or even America.
Instead of trotting out the usual pseudophilosophical drivel, today I seek nothing nobler than to reassure everyone who is challenged in the area of healthy self-esteem. Before you decide to drink the Kool-Aid, compare your own transgressions against the ones that follow. You’ll be glad you did.
Thomas Seeds, resident of Enola, Pa., and self-appointed masked protector of banking levity, spiced up things in his sleepy town by entering his bank wearing a ski mask. He demanded money from one of the horrified tellers, who began to comply with his request, only to have the comedic trailblazer whip off his mask and announce, “Just kidding.” Local police charged Seeds with disorderly conduct and commented to the Associated Press that he “had a little problem with his judgment.” Well said.
Next on the good judgment list is R. Scott Jones, future President of the “What the hell was I thinking?” society. Jones, a (former) Catholic high school teacher in Phoenix, gave Valentine’s Day cards to each of his students. One especially affectionate card read “I hate you, I wish you would die.” A memo from the diocese to Jones read, essentially, “you don’t work for us anymore.”
My favorite current American nitwit happens to be a minor, so he’ll have to remain anonymous. This Michigan high school student somehow forgot the classic bit of advice all mothers pass on to their children: don’t have marijuana in your pocket while you’re playing a high school basketball game.
According to the Grand Rapids Press, a district playoff game in the Grand Rapids school district was temporarily halted as a photographer notified the referees that there was a piece of trash in the lane. The referee walked to the scorers table with the “trash” — a bag of pot that had fallen from a player’s pocket during a scuffle for the ball. The evidence was turned over to police, and the game resumed.
A school disrict spokeswoman assured the public, “It’s the first time this has happened at a game,” begging the question — does it happen a lot during practice?
Speaking of dumb people and bags of weed, we turn our attention to Los Angeles County, where attorney Dawn Dunbar recently added a new wrinkle to the attorney-client privilege. In a moment of sympathy, she smuggled a small bag of marijuana into a courtroom, which she then gave to a client, who intended to smuggle it into his jail cell.
According to the Associated Press, the problem with their transaction was that it took place in plain sight of a courtroom deputy, who watched the lawyer, searched the client and arrested both.
Sadly, no such arrest is imminent for our next Ubermorons — the computer security providers for the University of Texas-Austin. UT may have more students, more money, better facilities and a better reputation than us, but at least our office of Computing Services has thus-far ensured that it is impossible to steal the social security numbers of our entire student body. UT wishes they could be so lucky.
Apparently, due to an improperly installed firewall and faulty password protection, more than FIFTY-FIVE THOUSAND students had their information stolen by hackers during the last two weeks. The university’s vice president for Information Technology, Dan Updegrove, told The Oklahoman, “We flat out messed up on this one.” Hook ’em, Horns.
Of course, stupidity is not just manifested through actions, but words as well. We’ll close, then, with the stupid quote of the week, coutesy of Lena Katina, one-half of everyone’s favorite new pop group, T.A.T.U. The seductive, barely-legal duo’s first video features more girl-on-girl spit-swapping than Mulholland Drive, but apparently that shouldn’t cause anyone to jump to conclusions. “There are different kinds of love,” Katina says. “I can’t understand why everyone thinks we’re lesbians.”