Bill Murray and Johnny Depp. One the transcendent comic genius of his generation who has morphed from a by turns manic, by turns droll comedian into a dramatic actor of great depth. The other lives in France, plays guitar, has more tattoos than your average inmate in Angola and went from well regarded indie hero to a box office god by playing a mascara wearing pirate.
Bill Murray, he’s the man. Johnny Depp, he’s the man too.
How does one become the man? Note well, that when I speak of man, it is not in the context of a Black Panthers speech (rumors of my membership in said organization, are, of course, unfounded). No, by “the man” I mean an individual of the phallic persuasion (to borrow from Gender Studies Newspeak) who is awesome in both work and form.
Johnny Depp became the man by leaving comfortable stardom, i.e. turning down such roles as Tristan in “Legends of the Fall,” which helped to launch Brad Pitt’s career (note: Brad Pitt is the man for the masses, and, therefore, not really the man) for such oddball roles as Ed Wood and Raoul Duke (based on the legendary journalist Hunter S Thompson).
He also manages to combine his screen talents with some of the best looks in the business. When conducting my unscientific and Bourbon influenced poll on the greatness of these two chaps, I found that Mr. Depp appeals to both men and women (with even some of the most confident heterosexual men announcing their desire for the man who cried). Also, as said above, he lives in France. Being an expatriate raises anyone’s stock, including such luminaries as pre-headless Hemmingway and schlock artist Pablo Picasso.
Bill Murray brings an entire different ethos to being the man. Here is a fellow who, essentially, looks the way your dad would if he had several million dollars in the bank. He is essentially a comedian, from his early days (“Saturday Night Live,” “Meatballs,” and “Caddyshack”) well into the present day (his film, “Groundhog Day,” remains perhaps the greatest comedy of the ’90s, and I defy anyone to find one better). Still, it was not until the beginnings of his affiliation with Wes Anderson that his dramatic talent came out. His roles in “Rushmore” and “The Royal Tennenbaums,” the former great and the latter small, were incisive character studies that helped make each film. I have not yet seen what is supposed to be his greatest performance, “Lost in Translation,” so unlike other columnists, I will not make a judgment on it. Others whose opinions I trust, however, have praised it up and down.
Also, how can you not like a guy who owns a minor league baseball team and did a show about golf?
About this time those of you left reading are perhaps wondering where I’m going on this tangent. Well, Murray and Depp aren’t going to be around forever both in the physical sense, and, God forbid, in regards to talent (one need only look at the self-immolation of Sean Connery from a living cinematic god to what he is now, a near clone of Darrell Hammond’s version of him on late, lamented Celebrity Jeopardy skit). Therefore, we need new men to be the man.
How does one become the man, especially on such a campus as ours? Being, as you see from my picture, the trendy metrosexual that I am, I think I’ll give some advice. First, don’t be a metrosexual, because, frankly, all you are is dressing like a gay man without the perks. The man is never trendy, he is always cool. I recommend, to those with the desire to pursue it, studying French, buying a cigarette case and a flask, learning the violin and drinking gin. The man always will have an aura around him, so tip 25 percent, never be seen sleeping, and, if you want to be pretentious (which is dangerous, as you head into the hipster area by doing so) you can quote obscure Italian films which no one but you and John Paul II have heard of. Then again, to truly be the man, you need to listen only to you, which renders my advice completely irrelevant.
Except for the gin, because Natty Light tastes like distilled urine.
Lastly, though perhaps not one of us will ever portray Hunter S Thompson (which both Depp and Murray have done), we can, in each of our own separate ways, be the man. Still, it doesn’t hurt to tip the doorman a little on the way in.