As you read this column I will be sitting in my above ground bunker as I prepare for the Auburn game. With a bottle of gin to my left, a shotgun on my lap, and a can of face paint to my right, I sit and ponder all that is right in the world. Then after those 10 seconds are up, I focus on the very real fact that the spawn of Satan, the faux Tigers, are visiting the hallowed ground that is Tiger Stadium, and, indeed, all of the LSU campus.
To the freshman, I have this to say. Forget what your parents told you about Ole Miss (more on that sorry school later), Auburn is the real rival and true enemy of all who wear the purple and gold. They are led by a man whose very innards are devoted to coming to our campus, destroying our football team and defiling Mike the Tiger on the Eye in front of nearly 100,000 enraged spectators (well, not really, but you get the idea). He also coached at Ole Miss, so his eventual taking of the coaching job at Tulane can only herald the coming of the anti-Christ.
The players, let’s not get started. From standing on the eye smoking cigars, to taking swings at the Tiger Band, they are utter brigands, who are devoted to giving each and every real Tiger fan “Alabama Justice,” which is a slightly inbred form of “Texas Justice.”
So, I think everyone knows what they need to do tomorrow, which is to behave cordially to all Auburn fans, cheer for our team and shout the foulest words imaginable while sitting next to small children and the elderly. Oh, not to mention get so plastered that you wind up puking on people five rows down from you.
Speaking of foul words, some of our other neighbors to the east, the University of Mississippi, have been evidently spending a bit too much time around cousin Randy’s meth lab.
In an effort to, get this, bring their university into the 21st century, they are attempting to replace the venerable Colonel Reb mascot with one of two choices.
First of all, I wasn’t even aware that Ole Miss had made the transition to 20th century, let alone crossed the threshold into the third millennium of Christendom. Still, whenever the ghoul of political correctness sticks his arm through the ground, we should be on our guard, even if it’s happening to our worse enemy.
This isn’t the first example of idiocy at Ole Miss. A few years back the administration decided that the tradition of waving the Confederate Battle Flag was somehow an affront to what passes for civilization in the Magnolia state. Therefore they banned sticks in the stadium in an effort to keep the South from rising in Oxford on alternating Saturday nights in the fall. Some fans took them to court, and, shockingly enough, the fans lost. Abe would be proud, guys.
Getting back to the real issue, can anyone tell me that the image of Colonel Reb harms students who attend the university? Is having this gentlemanly southerner, who, if saveolemiss.com is to be believed, is modeled off of a black man (Jim Ivey), so divisive that he will destroy the learning environment (a bit of an oxymoron at Ole Miss)? Or, is this simply another case of a group of scalawag/carpetbagger administrative alliance to stamp out old south traditions in the former Confederacy?
I’ll let you figure that one out, but I, for one, would enjoy seeing those who wish to bury Colonel Reb in the Confederate graveyard sent to more hospitable climates, such as Fairbanks, Alaska or the University of Maine (another crazy state where asthmatics will now no longer need to fear their lungs being polluted at bars come New Year’s). As for the real students over at Mississippi, keep your mascot and your traditions, just as we keep ours.
All right, that’s enough. I promise all of you that this is my last foray into sports journalism. I’ll be taking myself and my Fu Manchu moustache back to writing about politics from here on out. Just remember, bringing booze in using some sort of a catheter device is not only illegal, it’s just disgusting. See you at the game.