“I hope this is big enough for you.”
“What?”
“Is this cucumber,” Jay asked, “big enough for you…”
I went on a date with The Reveille’s own Jay Melder (Off the Cuff) and you better believe the cucumber was HUGE.
It being the beginning of a new semester, I thought it only fitting I do my first column on the beginning of a new relationship – the first date.
The location of this la nuit d’amour was the Macaroni Grill – pasta – how exotic and messy.
Jay’s a pretty exotic guy. How do I know this? Because he showed me his collection of Mary Kate and Ashley videos.
So there we sat eating, when suddenly he looked passionately into my eyes, “Lei sono comestible come il suo gratin di al di rigatoni.” Translation: You are as edible as your rigatoni au gratin.
Nothing turns me on more than a man who knows Italian – and figure skating. Little did my Casanova know he had me at hello.
First dates are a plethora of things: awkward, nerve wrecking, etc. They are very rarely fun, but they are the first step to a relationship.
First dates follow a sequence, they may be with different people but the topics of conversation are often the same. I call mine the QGP’s (questions to get in my pants). We all have our own form of QGP’s; after all we must have standards.
The QGP’s help us figure out the person we’re sharing squid with. And here are my most relevant QGP’s.
1. QGP of favorites. You ask the person their favorite food, color, sexual position, etc. You can analyze a lot about a person by their favorites things. Example, I once dated a guy whose favorite movie was To Wong Fu – English majors call that “foreshadowing.”
2. QGP of extracurricular activities. This is where we discuss what kind of things the person does outside of school. Asking someone their extracurricular activities is a polite way of asking them to categorize themselves: jock, brain, criminal, princess, and a basket case. (I watched The Breakfast Club last night)
3. QGP of past relationships. This is the most sensitive and important QGP’s. It’s like buying a car. You need to know its history before you buy it. If your date answers correctly, it could lead to a Marvin Gaye CD and huge cucumber.
Although we listened to Marvin Gaye on the way home, our date ended with an “I’ll call you later.”
But, I did drive home with the hope of a future with a huge cucumber; one that can only come from a man who, from the way his pants fit, might as well be the Jolly Green Giant.
If you don’t take any advice from anyone, take this from me… never peel the skin off the cucumber.
On Top
January 22, 2004