Fall is to Starbucks what football season is to LSU students: everything. The minute the temperature dips below 90, the $98 billion-franchise’s Baton Rouge patrons erupt into a pumpkin spice frenzy. 

But this September, Starbucks didn’t rest on its laurels; it announced a total brand overhaul. 

Following six consecutive quarters of declining sales, CEO Brian Niccol launched his “Back to Starbucks” campaign. In an open letter to “all partners, customers and stakeholders,” Niccol promised to “get back to what makes Starbucks, Starbucks.” 

Insisting that “our stores have always been more than a place to get a drink,” the executive went on to outline a series of reforms — from having baristas write customers’ names on cups to re-decorating their interior with warm colors like pink and orange — that he claims will return the coffeehouse to its former glory. 

Baristas aren’t impressed. 

Responding to recent changes in franchise policy, Starbucks Workers United riffed on Niccol’s catchy tagline: “Things are only going backwards at Starbucks under Brian Niccol’s leadership. Yet again, we’re experiencing new policies and major decisions being made with zero barista input.” 

But as the 12,000-member union went on to write in a statement on its prospective union contract, “Starbucks is stonewalling us.” 

Niccol might not care about his employees, but he certainly cares about making money. So allow me to give my take on “Back to Starbucks” — from a consumer’s perspective. 

To be transparent, I’m not a Starbucks fan. Highland Coffees tastes better, it’s locally owned and it’s right next to campus. 

But as a Starbucks hater, I’m Niccol’s target audience. He wants me back. What a joy. 

So let me be among the first to break the news: Sorry, Brian, but “Back to Starbucks” will flop. 

To be clear, my position isn’t that all of Niccol’s new policies are off-base. I don’t mind pink (I’m iffy on orange, though). It’s that, on the whole, his initiative fails to address the problems underlying Starbucks’ fall from grace — and may inadvertently exacerbate them. 

Let’s start with wait times. 

Attempting to satisfy demands that they serve customers at a fast-food pace, Starbucks has removed a number of popular items from its menu, including the Java Chip Frappuccino and the White Hot Chocolate. By removing hard-to-make drinks from its menu, the theory goes, baristas will be able to serve customers faster. 

This misunderstands why Starbucks has long wait times. 

Last month, Starbucks Workers United surveyed 737 current Starbucks baristas and shift supervisors. Ninety-one percent indicated that they experienced understaffing at their stores in the past three months, and 93% said that staffing issues resulted in longer wait times for customers. 

It’s not that baristas are having trouble making complicated drinks. It’s that they’re being asked to dole out Pumpkin Spice Lattes at breakneck speed without help. 

Here’s another catch: if a customer orders an item that’s been removed from the menu, baristas still have to make it for them if they have the necessary ingredients. “Condensing” the menu does nothing to reduce wait times. It’s just an empty gesture.

“Back to Starbucks” also won’t achieve another one of Niccol’s biggest goals: making Starbucks locations more inviting. 

Unsurprisingly, the initiative puts most of the onus of attracting customers on baristas, giving them new scripts for interacting with customers. 

This also amounts to putting a Band-Aid over a bullet hole. 

For one, if customers cared about finding community, they’d go to a locally owned coffee shop. Making a multi-billion dollar corporation seem inviting will always be a hard sell. 

But also, if baristas seem uninviting, it’s not because they don’t know how to greet customers. It’s because, as Starbucks Workers United has argued for years, baristas are underpaid, overworked and subjected to countless other unfair labor practices. It’s hard to wear a smile on your face when you’re working a double and struggling to feed your family. 

Consumers want change, too. Across the world, millions are boycotting Starbucks because of the company’s union-busting practices and investments in Israel. 

If Starbucks wants to improve its sales, it should stop pointing fingers at baristas and reflect on its own unethical business practices. Until then, I won’t be going back to Starbucks. 

Cade Savoy is a political science and philosophy major from Breaux Bridge, La.