Remember that box of toys you had as a child? Have you ever wondered what toy you would be if you and your friends were a box of toys? I know I have. So I’ve created a guide to help you find out what kind of toy you are. Little Green Army Men: These are the friends that are kind of cool but also a dime a dozen. They dress the same, talk the same, drink the same stuff and probably overuse the word “bro.” Barbie Doll: The Barbie doll is that one girl that hangs out with you. You know the one. She is a perfect 10. She is also unattainable. She always seems to date someone outside the circle of friends. Nobody you know has ever hooked up with her. As for just being her friend goes, she has no vagina just like Barbie. Raggedy Ann: Raggedy Ann is just like Barbie but with two exceptions. Raggedy Ann is not quite as hot as Barbie, and Raggedy Ann has slept with ALL your friends. Maybe that is why she’s so raggedy. Sorry, that was in bad taste. Let’s move on. Play-Doh: These friends can be shaped and molded into acting like you and thinking like you without them ever knowing it. If you’re a beer drinker, they drink beer. If you smoke cigarettes, they’ll take up the habit. About the only thing they won’t do is stand up for themselves. Play-Doh has no spine. Beanie Babies: Beanie babies are those friends that were cool in high school, but you could really do without them now. Sure they were awesome a couple years ago, but now they have just gotten old. No one likes them anymore. Furbies: Furbies are really cute girls. They’re really adorable, just like Furbies. However, when they open their mouths all they do is repeat what you say or tell you they love you. All you want to do is throw them against the wall. If you ever thought a girl was hot until she opened her mouth, she was a prime example of a Furby. Blocks: What can you do with blocks? Stack them. Other than that blocks suck. Block friends are boring, and sometimes you don’t answer their calls. In the end though, they are another $5 to help pay for the keg. Don’t mistreat your blocks. I hope this will allow you to figure out what kind of toy you are.
—–Elliott is one of the Ninja Turtles. Contact him at [email protected]