Funyon writer Ryan Monk took time this week to reflect on his observations of religious protesters at the LSU Union’s Free Speech Alley. Find content just like this at blog.thefunyon.com. 
A riot broke out last Thursday as protesters, standing on their heads for some reason we were not able to ascertain, spent an entire school day yelling at students in Free Speech Alley.
“Who do you think you are?” one allegedly shouted.
“You don’t deserve to be here!” another allegedly yelled.
“Guys seriously, I’m getting pretty lightheaded over here. Is this normal? Am I okay?” allegedly inquired a third.
Upon further, extremely intense investigation, as we at The Funyon are wont to conduct, it was gathered that the incident was centered around yet another religious protest on student life.
Very Important People Who Definitely Know Everything About How You Live Your Life (VIP for short) are up and at it, and they’re mad. 
I heard they would be back this week, so I went to the front of the Union around noon, and there they were. I wrote down as much of the loudest person’s monologue as I could before the symptoms of my debilitating melting-hands disease kicked in. Check it out:
“You are all going to Heaven! Fornicators; masturbators; smokers! It has already been determined! You have all been admitted!” 
Students screamed back with such politically charged comebacks as the following:
“Shut up, man! You don’t know anything about stuff! My mom told me that if I ate my vegetables, read my Satanic Bible, and jumped on one foot for at least an hour every day, I would go to Hell! And she once drank 3 glasses of water in an hour. I think she knows a little bit more about these things than you.” 
“Have you ever read a science book? I mean, I haven’t, but I hang out with a bunch of science majors so I still have a right to feel better than you!”
“Wait, what’s happening to Highland Coffees?”
Since I have a crippling fear of people, I did not talk to these guys. I did, however, grab one of their pamphlets entitled, “You’re Going To Heaven And There’s Nothing You Can Do About It.”
Here’s what I read:
“Well, to be honest, we never thought anyone would read this. You know the drill. You’re going to Heaven, and there’s nothing you can do about it. But we really need to fill these pages, so … BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS… “
So yeah. Looks like we’re all going to Heaven. That’s all I got.