Editor’s note: This is a weekly satirical news column lampooning pop culture. Nothing in this column should be construed as fact.
The Nye County Police Department is launching a glamorous investigation to look into Kris Jenner’s involvement in Lamar Odom’s overdose last week, as well as allegations Jenner is involved in the Momager Mafia.
“We knew something was up when [Kris] Jenner showed up with the camera and lighting crew to Sunrise Hospital and Medical Center in Las Vegas,” a spokesperson for Nye County Police Department said at a news conference Monday morning.
“She was rubbing onions into the big pregnant one’s [Kim’s] eyes. She just kept yelling about the ratings,” the spokesperson said.
When asked what grounds Nye County had for conducting an investigation, the spokesperson said they were working on it.
“Those Kardashians just rub me the wrong way. Especially that Kris. She just looks like a Disney villain. If she was handing out apples, you bet I would never take one,” the spokesperson said when asked what led to the investigation being opened.
Jenner is expected to meet with detectives in the next week to give an affidavit. Nye County officials say there are currently conflicts between the availability of the detectives and Kim Kardashian’s rescheduled baby shower.
Sources are reporting Kim Kardashian’s baby shower theme to be “Baby Yeezus in a Manger.”
The Kardashian family and the E! network have yet to issue an official statement on Jenner’s pending investigation.
The youngest family member, Kylie Jenner, reportedly caused a scene outside of her plastic surgeon’s office this past weekend.
“We never gave Lammy [Lamar Odom] Horny Goat Weed,” Kylie shouted at paparazzi outside a Los Angeles plastic surgery clinic.
Kylie allegedly received lip reductions because thin, natural lips are apparently popular again.
Viewers can expect the investigation to be heavily featured throughout the upcoming season of the recently revived “Khloe & Lamar.”
John Gavin Harp is a 20-year-old mass communication Junior from St. Francisville, Louisiana. You can reach him on Twitter @SirJohnGavin.