LSU’s football team is meeting President Bush today at 2:05 p.m. as a “reward” for winning the BCS national championship. Two great speakers – Les Miles and President Bush – will talk, and I’m imagining what that conversation will be like. Here’s my best shot. Miles: Mr. President George Bush, what a great honor it is to be here. I, uhhh, appreciate your hospitality. This is a very capable venue you’ve got here. Bush: Coach Miles, it’s all my pleasure. I’ve got the Mrs. cookin’ somethin’ up in the kitchen, and Dick is out huntin’ again, so I’ve got some free time, you see? Listen, can you tell me what happened with that whole Michigan thing. Miles: Ha ha, Mr. President. The truth is Michigan didn’t have any hats that fit my head just right. Bush: Well that’s great. Plus now you’re gettin’ paid more than that Nick Saban fellah. I remember when he came in 2004, he tried to talk me into lettin’ him take my job. I was like, ‘No, no, Nick. You can’t have everyone’s job.’ But what’s going on with this Perri-loucks quarterback kid? Miles: OK. He went to this restaurant. Got mad. Called someone ‘Osama.’ Got kicked out. No big deal. Bush: Oh OK. Wait, so he was tryin’ to fight the War on Terrrrrrror? Miles. Oh yeah. Of course. [Scene note: Junior quarterback Ryan Perrilloux is seen trying to steal some lawn furniture and escape the area. Former LSU players Troy Giddens and Zhamal Thomas are hiding in the bushes to help with the loot. Secret Service has been alerted] Bush: Here comes trouble … Miles: Mr. President, there’s no need to be worried. That’s just Ryan. I’ll handle it. Miles [screaming to Perrilloux]: Now, Ryan, put that back. C’mon. Don’t make me suspend you for the fourth time. You said you’d behave. Bush [to Miles]: Oh, that’s OK, coach, he can have it. If he wants to look around and find the weapons of mass destruction and ‘nucular’ weapons, that’d be great. Ha ha ha. Miles: Well if he’s seen with those, I may have to kick him off the team. Or maybe suspend him for, uhhh, three weeks tops. Bush: Coach, I’m gonna take some pictures and meet the players. Miles: Yeah, go right ahead. If I don’t see you before I leave … ‘Have a great day!’
—-Contact Kyle Whitfield at [email protected]