We as a society are regressing.No, I’m not talking about the economy, the threat of global warming or the fact that “The Jerry Springer Show” has been on the air for 17 successful seasons.I am talking about our most important asset in our continuation as a species — our children — and their ridiculous names.There are several trends in baby names that guarantee a generation of kids losing their lunch money.One of the newest trends in baby names is to give your child the moniker of an inanimate object.Nouns are all the rage.Names like Lake, Harp and Lyric are appearing in increasing numbers.As usual, celebrities are at the forefront of this trend, with Jessica Alba naming her bundle of joy Honor, Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman recently welcoming Sunday, and who could forget Gwyneth Paltrow’s little Apple?Now I don’t see anything wrong with naming a child an everyday word that you happen to find pretty. But I find it interesting that in a world where things are becoming increasingly more complicated, names are becoming simpler.Or perhaps we’re just becoming more efficient. You don’t have to explain the meaning of Lake. You also can get inspiration for your child’s name almost anywhere.Just looking at my kitchen table I can come up with several viable baby names. There’s Banana, Paper, Coaster and Key.So what is it about inanimate objects that begs for them to be applied to babies?For many parents it’s because of a particular memory related to the word — like a vacation destination or childhood experience.Of course some parents are just on crack.If I took all my positive associations and strung them together to create a human being, that child would sound something like Tiger Colt Barbie Budweiser October Manolo Blahnik Jane — my favorite sports teams, favorite childhood toy, favorite domestic beer, favorite month, favorite shoe designer and first childhood friend.With a name like that my child would have no choice but to be a professional athlete, stripper or contestant on “America’s Next Top Model.”On the other hand, another naming trend makes things needlessly complex.It’s all the rage to make normal names your own by adding a Y here, or an extra N there.For example, instead of Max, make it Macques, instead of Madison, Maddysinne, instead of Aiden, Aydyn.This will be another generation of kids who get their name misspelled on the scoreboard at the bowling alley.Yes, I speak from personal experience.One of the great failings of our nation has always been our lack of monarchs to name our children after.No longer will we borrow foreign figure heads to name our children things like Elizabeth, William, Isabella or Fredrick.We can, however, name a whole generation of children after our favorite presidents.According to the Social Security administration’s Web site, a majority of presidential surnames are present in the top 1,000 baby names for 2007.Jackson, Carter and Grant are the lead presidential names for boys, while Madison, Kennedy and Reagan top off the girls. Other names on the rise are Lincoln, Jefferson and Clinton which all made the top 1,000.I think I can safely say we don’t have to worry about Bush cracking the top 1,000. It could never top the two most popular names of 2007, Jacob and Emily.In the end it’s a parent’s prerogative as to what to name their kid. After all, they won’t be the one getting beat up on the playground.And maybe, just maybe, funny sounding names will breed a generation of hard-knock, rough and tumble kids who had to overcome the stigma of being called Banana Hammock. Kind of like Johnny Cash’s 1969 hit “A Boy Named Sue.”We should thank these crazy parents who flagrantly disregard the feelings and well-being of their progeny to show off how creative and different they are. They will single-handedly create a generation of super soldiers who will undoubtedly be a benefit in the never ending war on terrorism.Maybe this has all been an initiative started by the Department of Defense.Personally, I can’t wait to welcome a little Jaedynne Nixon Mississippi River Guitar Hero Scott to the world.After all, if Alba, Kidman and Paltrow are wrong, I don’t want to be right. And as a true American, I can’t wait to offer my baby up to a higher cause.      —-Contact Caitlyn Scott at [email protected]