You arrive at the check-out line and begin loading your groceries onto one of those infernal conveyor belts. Vodka, ice cream, pizza bites … and tofu?
“Hmmm, I don’t remember grabbing that off the shelf,” you think to yourself.
You are not alone.
A recent study, led by researchers at the venerable-sounding Loughborough University in England, found a link between daily tofu consumption and memory loss.
The study (published – I kid you not – in a journal titled “Dementias and Geriatric Cognitive Disorders”) was conducted among a group of more than 700 elderly Indonesians. I know what you’re thinking: A bunch of old people aren’t exactly paragons of mental retention.
Bear with me.
The major ingredient in tofu is soy. Soy products are laden with phytoestrogens. (Yes, you read that correctly. “Phyto-” as in the prefix indicating “plant”, and “estrogen,” as in the female sex hormone. Food for thought for all those soy-touting masculine vegetarians.) Phytoestrogen may help maintain and protect the brains of younger people. However, this new study suggests high quantities of it are damaging to older gray matter.
In fact, lead researcher Eef Hogervorst said estrogen therapy in patients older than 65 has been linked to more than double the normal risk of dementia. Other data suggest too much estrogen can promote cell damage caused by free radicals.
Suppress the urge to drop your britches and perform a shamelessly gleeful victory dance – your victims wouldn’t remember it anyway. Besides, the implications are far darker than they initially seem.
If, like the rest of us, you already can’t stand people who eat tofu, just try to imagine what they will be like when they suffer from dementia. I can see them now, the staggering horde. Some will wander throughout the streets, arms affixed in ghoulish extension. Others will lurk in the shadows, hunched over a gnawed-upon brick. The earth will quiver – or groan – with the cries of a thousand tofu’ers bemoaning the precious memories they once took for granted:
“What time is the protest today?”
Where did I leave the keys to my Prius?”
“Why the hell do I eat this crap?”
But this will not only affect GNC regulars in the states. Surprise, surprise (remember that whole world that exists outside the U.S.?), but tofu has become something of a protein staple in parts of the undernourished, developing world. It is also a popular dish throughout Asia. What if these people, too, begin to lose their memories?
I’m somewhat ambivalent about it; if anything, Americans probably benefit. Sure, these countries may forget about the billions we send in foreign aid (which I assume includes literally tons upon tons of tofu), but then again they are just as likely to forget past racial enslavements, unilateral bombings and general assholery by our great supernation.
Of course, tofu appears to be a healthful food. It is low in sodium, and rich in B-vitamins and iron. When calcium salt is used in the tofu curdling process, the concoction becomes an excellent source of … you guessed it, calcium. Tofu is also low in saturated fat and has no cholesterol.
But wait, there’s more! Allow me to barrage you with infomercial polysyllabic jargon: Soy is a low-glycemic smart carb. Soy protein found in tofu raises HDL while lowering LDL and triglycerides. Soy includes selenium, iron, copper, manganese, phosphorus, magnesium, tryptophan and omega-3 fatty acids.
Say that ten times fast. Actually, don’t.
Of course, tofu – and soy – have their detractors. Jim Rutz of WorldNetDaily argues that soy is linked to several types of cancer – and that it’s turning children gay. Soy Online Service also claims soy is carcinogenic and contains many poisons; it blames the multi-billion dollar soy industry for covering up this information.
I don’t know about you, but the idea of the soy industry strong-arming its way over all the little people just seems laughably oxymoronic.
To be honest, a lot of the Web sites critical of soy products vary between pathetically unprofessional to strikingly legitimate. They are apt to list a broad range of references, from FDA studies to Joe Crackpot’s home page.
On the other hand, almost every site promoting soy was part of or linked with the commercial sale thereof.
So what are we left with? To be honest, it doesn’t matter.
People who like tofu will continue to eat it. Someday, they will forget about the rest of the world’s condemnation. And as for us regular folk who avoid this godless soy abomination, if we ever get tricked into eating a lot of it … well, one day we will forget about that, too.
When nobody remembers, everybody wins.
—-Contact Daniel McBride at [email protected]