Most people, I’ll wager, don’t recognize the name Morgan Spurlock. Indeed, I overheard a conversation at the fashionable joint where I spend many an insomniac hour that is a Waffle House in West Baton Rouge Parish, where a customer and a waitress tried to figure out who the hell it was that ate only McDonald’s for a month. Yep, same guy.
Spurlock, whose awesome mustache puts so many – including my previous one – to shame, recently spoke at the Hatboro-Horsham High School in Horsham, Pa. Now, just as a personal aside, I was born about 15 miles away from Horsham in Harleysville, Pa., and spent my first eight years in the county.
Anyway, according to an Associated Press story, Spurlock was the main speaker at the first-ever health fair at the school. In his speech he managed to, in the words of school Superintendent William Lessa, use an expletive that begins with the letter “F,” make fun of the mentally handicapped students – the “retarded kids in the back wearing helmets” – and say that the teachers sitting in the balcony were smoking pot. Needless to say, the powers that be were not amused.
Students, on the other hand, gave Spurlock a standing ovation and according to the article, mobbed him for autographs afterwards. Spurlock himself dismissed the criticism saying he’d never received any complaints before and that “the greatest lesson those kids learned today was the importance of freedom of speech.”
Those who read this column regularly know I don’t have any problem with ribald humor, making fun of people, swearing or free speech. I’ve seen “Super Size Me” and also one or two episodes of his FX show “30 Days.” They’re both interesting and entertaining but not earth-shattering, especially the former. I ate fast food frequently last summer, and even at three or four meals a week, I wasn’t feeling my best. It doesn’t exactly take the intelligence of a neurosurgeon to know that your health will suffer by sucking down a massive number of Big Macs.
Getting back to Spurlock’s free speech contention. I’ll admit, I wasn’t a huge fan of one of the high schools I attended. I remember feeling as a student things were withheld from all of us, that certain lessons were bowdlerized and dumbed down. I was right, of course, but that’s beside the point. Frankly, I would have given my left arm for someone like Spurlock to show up at my school. Come to think of it, we’ve probably had two major, interesting speakers at this University in my four years here: Al Franken and Ron Jeremy. Why can’t we get this guy?
Still, in fairness to the administration, I’m sure they were taken aback by Spurlock and his language. I mean, after all, it was a health fair – whatever the hell that means. I’ll guess it involved encouraging students not to gorge themselves on cafeteria food, cola, drugs, booze or anything outside of eating yogurt while jogging.
So, for all those who want to hire Spurlock for future events, let it be know he will probably wind up making fun of retarded students and teachers and may use profanity. Of course, perhaps it was the fact that he was also asked not to make fun of McDonald’s, his bete noire, because, according to Spurlock, a board member of the Education Foundation owns a franchise. Even so, he still managed to crack wise about the intelligence of those who work for the golden arches.
So, to review: some high school in Pennsylvania apparently can get an awesome “R-rated” speaker, while we get stuck with such imbecilities as a committee that promises “a good time not wasted” and brings us Puddle of Mudd. Therefore, I challenge the Students on Target to get us either Spurlock for a “healthy” lecture next year, or at the very least, Bob Saget.
Thank you.
 
Ryan is a history senior. Contact him
at [email protected]