Do you remember reading Highlights for Children? It was a magazine. If you were a sickly child, as I was, you read them all the time in various medical waiting rooms. Most people just flip to the Hidden Pictures. By the way, if you were the kid who circled all the hidden objects and ruined it for everyone else who wanted to play Hidden Pictures, I hate you. Well if you ever got past that section, you found a small comic strip called “Goofus and Gallant.” It taught kids to model themselves after Gallant, who always did the right thing, and not Goofus, who was always being mischievous. Over the years, there have been many Goofus and Gallant comic strips. When they are written for Highlights for Children, some are used, but some are rejected – never to be seen by the public. These are some of the lost Goofus and Gallants. Gallant likes to visit people in the nursing home and bring them warm meals. Goofus visits the Parkinson’s patients and gives them his chocolate milk so they can shake it up for him. Gallant is learning the names of all the presidents for his social studies test the next week. Goofus killed Kennedy. Gallant spends his free time participating in sports and other physical activities. Goofus played lacrosse for Duke University. Gallant enjoys putting a dollar bill into a Coke machine and giving the change to homeless people, who need the money more than he does. Goofus sticks old, used medical syringes in the change slot. Gallant is a rational thinker who knows that the many should not be punished for the mistakes of the few. Goofus is a Hitler-loving fascist and created the Campus Community Coalition for Change. Gallant wants to be an astronaut one day, so he eats right and exercises daily. Goofus wants to be a pimp, so he beats women. Gallant helps his mother clean the house but knows never to play with the chemicals under the sink. Goofus does Whip-Its, huffs paint and sprays orphanages with Agent Orange.
Gallant saved his money to go out on a date with a girl he really likes. Goofus saved his money to buy a roofie for the girl Gallant really likes. Gallant enjoys cheering for LSU because nothing beats the purple and gold. Goofus is a dirty Auburn fan who sells drugs to children. Gallant sits patiently in the waiting room at the doctor’s office and always listens to his mother. Goofus tells other sick kids they are going to die and then uses a pen to circle all the Hidden Pictures items in the Highlights for Children magazines.
—–Contact Elliot Cassidy at ecassidy@lsureveille.com